NEW YORK — Judge Juan Merchan made a second high-profile ruling earlier today when he gave 17-year-old Shawn Thomas, tried as an adult, life in prison without the possibility of parole after the teenager was found guilty of making hush money payments to adult film star Stormy Daniels.
“The nature of your crimes and abuse of power displayed in covering them up represents an unforgivable betrayal of the public trust and indicates a total impossibility of reform,” declared Merchan during the sentencing. “It has been proven beyond doubt that you offered Ms. Daniels $40 and some Burger King to keep your tryst ‘on the DL,’ so as not to jeopardize your chances of a shift supervisor promotion and $2 per hour raise at an Amazon warehouse. It is my hope that this sentencing will show the American people that such a lack of ethics will not be tolerated in the lower-mid echelons of our nation’s great privatized shipping and receiving companies, may God have mercy on your soul.”
Conservative media pundits were swift to praise the sentencing as a victory for the American Justice system.
“It’s good to know that a broken clock like Merchan can still be right once in a while,” said Tucker Carlson on social media moments after the sentencing. “The fact that Trump is entering his second Presidency with the stigma of a hollow conviction is one of the greatest miscarriages of justice in this or perhaps any century. We all know Trump should have been sentenced to receiving a medal with a bird on it representing freedom. I will, however, rest a little easier at night knowing that this 17-year-old thug is behind bars where he belongs.”
Despite being convicted of the exact same crime to a much lower degree and without any of the political implications that make the payment an actual crime in the first place, President-elect Trump was extremely short of sympathy for Thomas.
“This is why we need the death penalty,” said Trump during a rambling press conference. “Let this be a lesson to anyone out there even considering such a heinous trespass against our great nation without the Supreme Court in their back pocket. Especially if they wear hooded sweatshirts. ”
Thomas tried desperately to communicate with reporters as the gurney he was strapped to was wheeled from the courthouse to a prisoner transport vehicle, but the Hanibal Lecter-style face mask, unfortunately, muffled his words.