WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden announced he would be scrapping his plans for a reelection campaign citing low ticket sales due to his waning popularity with almost everyone in the United States, sources confirmed.
“Listen Jack, this was a tough decision. But we looked at the numbers and we just can’t make it work. With the price of gas for Air Force One it just doesn’t make economic sense for me to fly all over the country and keep fighting,” said a somber President Biden while being held up by two Secret Service members. “We had a good run, I got to give billions of dollars in weapons to some of my favorite people in the world and I’ll be forever grateful to be a part of their genocide. I know the next Democrat in office will carry on that legacy with grace and empathy. For the next few months, I’ll be playing some intimate local rallies, but my time in the spotlight is nearly over. I’m looking forward to living the last few weeks of my life as a civilian.”
Those calling for Biden to drop out of the race were excited to hear the news.
“This is amazing. It’s refreshing to see Biden being so honest. I was expecting maybe he would say some bullshit like he was checking into rehab, or maybe the tried and true ‘exhaustion’ excuse we see so often,” said Leon Anthony. “It’s tough to admit to the fact nobody likes you anymore, but he also needs to realize nobody ever liked him to begin with. All of this could have been avoided if the DNC hadn’t fucked things up so badly four years ago, but hey, the world is burning, the oceans are boiling, maybe none of us will be around in November anyway.”
Political scientist Dr. Andrea Klein of Yale University admits to being overwhelmed by the volume of news leading up to the 2024 election.
“Quite frankly, I’m exhausted. I just want one day, one fucking day, where there isn’t some news that ruins my plans. Just today I was out to lunch with my pregnant daughter and Biden dropped out of the race before we got the bill, suddenly I have 40 news outlets texting and calling me for a statement,” said Dr. Klein. “Remember when Mitt Romney had ‘binders full of women’ and that was the biggest news story? It wasn’t even that long ago, can we please go back to that? I really can’t handle this shit anymore.”
At press time, Trump’s campaign mangers were devising more ways to get the former President shot in order to get him more positive coverage.