Culture Archives - Page 509

Man Celebrates Nine Years Until Sober

Jordan Breeding • April 18, 2019

FAIRBANKS, Alaska — Obvious alcoholic and general mess of a human being Jerrold Long announced today that he will spend…

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Band T-Shirt Crosses Threshold from Gross to Vintage

Patrick Coyne • April 18, 2019

OMAHA, Neb. — A decades-old Rancid T-shirt finally crossed the threshold last week from a piece of dingy, raggedy garbage…

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Dear Scabby: How do I get my ex to leave me alone?

Scabby • April 18, 2019

Dear Scabby: My X gf, the one who taught me that mutual resentment is a strong enough bond to keep…

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Kelly Rowland Drops Surprise Nutrisystem Infomercial

The Hard Times Staff • April 17, 2019

LOS ANGELES — Singer Kelly Rowland surprised fans across the globe by dropping a surprise Nutrisystem infomercial on deep cable…

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Shitfaced Beto O’Rourke Wonders if You Dare Him to Jump off Parent’s Balcony Into Pool

Krissy Howard • April 17, 2019

SANTA FE, N.M. — Democratic Presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke reportedly one-upped his countertop-hopping antics last night, crashing a high-school house…

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It’s Time We Have a Conversation About What My Anaconda Does Want

Jon Wood • April 16, 2019

As a herpetologist specializing in the care and handling of large snakes, I can tell you that there are many…

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16-Year-Old Iron Maiden T-Shirt Enters Pupa Stage, Molts Sleeves

Dan Kozuh • April 16, 2019

SAN DIEGO — Entomologists at the California Center for Insect Study published a paper today detailing the fascinating life cycle…

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Quasimodo Renamed Hunchback of Nearby Holiday Inn

Jordan Breeding • April 15, 2019

PARIS — Local legend and longtime Notre-Dame resident Quasimodo will now be known as “The Hunchback of Holiday Inn” after…

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DIY Sex Robot Looks Suspiciously Like Fridge With Hole Cut In It

Charles E.P. Murphy • April 15, 2019

PITTSBURGH — Local DIY lifestyle advocate and sexually frustrated man Peter Jansen unveiled today his self-made sex robot, which looks…

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Coachella Legend Speaks of Beer Tent With No Line At Other End of Festival

Kyle Erf • April 14, 2019

INDIO, Calif. — Urban legends and age-old folklore circulating at this year’s Coachella allege that “abundant, hassle-free” beer awaits revelers…

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