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We Set Out To Find the Best Glue for Huffing and Did Not Make It Very Far

For better or worse, the origins of punk rock will forever be intrinsically tied to the practice of huffing glue. For some in our subculture it’s a hurtful stereotype, dismissive of the systematically reinforced substance abuse problems that plague the lower class. For others, it’s how they’re going to get through the next four hours of pyramid scheme cold calling without killing someone.

Regardless of where you stand, it’s hard to dispute the fact that risking brain function for one of the dirtiest, cheapest and most fleeting highs possible is, at least on paper, pretty fucking punk.

While it’s not a practice we condone in any way shape or form, we thought it was important to determine which glue was the most punk. After all, you don’t want to permanently lose motor function on half your body and be a poser, right? We had our shadiest intern gather the 20 most commonly abused glues and set out to definitively rank them.

We made it as far as two, and it was the most terrifying and alienating experience of our lives. Let’s count ’em down!

#2 – Torchsmell Fast-dry Liquid-cement

This huff makes the very bottom of our list largely because it was the first one we tried. It turns out glue-high is an acquired taste, sort of like blue cheese if blue cheese made you feel like you were turning to stone and on fire at the same time. You have to burn through a lot of brain cells before you start thinking the experience is desirable.

The bouquet is pungent and jarring, with major notes of Satan’s mutated asshole and a fresh juniper berry finish. The aroma segues wonderfully into the inhalant’s trademark stinging sensation, starting just under the skin but quickly sinking within every cell of your body, as if they were all screaming “Why did you do that?!” at the same time, because they sort of are.

Can’t say much for the medicinal qualities of this particular glue. If anything, our headache became much, much worse.

Torchsmell Fast-dry Liquid-cement: 0/10

#1 – Burnsmade Tacky Ultra-bind

This is the glue you reach for when your already glue-addled mind is smart enough to know you need the awful smell of glue out of your nose, but still high on glue enough to generate “How about some more glue, glue-head?” as a reasonable solution.

While the initial huff immediately hits you with the overpowering and unmistakable scent of a rabid and incontinent cat dissolving in acid, it mellows into a comparatively tranquil ashtray fire meets pond scum affair. Unfortunately the memory of how this glue made us feel seems to have disappeared from our mind completely, along with the times tables and details of our grandmother’s face. It is however the glue that made us challenge that soda machine to the head-butting contest that made us pass out, thus stopping us from huffing more glues. For this reason alone it tops our list.

Burnsmade Tacky Ultra-bind: 0/10