With so many dubious reports and “studies” flooding our news channels and social media, it is damn near impossible to reach a consensus on anything. So when a fact-based, independent report comes out where all parties involved are in complete agreement, you’d better believe it demands attention. If this consensus is indeed true, it could be the most significant breakthrough in modern thought since Jean-Paul Sartre invented hipsters.
The experts have spoken: ten out of ten voices in your head unequivocally agree you should grab the gun out of this cop’s holster.
This is a significant breakthrough. Rather than being driven insane trying to fight the voices goading you into spontaneous outbursts in public, the scattered fragments of your broken psyche have all agreed the cop waiting in line ahead of you at the deli would be pleased as punch if you snatched the gun from his waist and started waving it around wildly.
This is a huge step up from the time only eight out of the ten voices told you to steal a security guard’s taser and zap yourself in the nuts because you needed to be punished. We’re talking light-years of progress.
The congregation of experts who’ve manifested within your consciousness unanimously agree that the feeling of cold steel in your hands will allow you to, if just for a fleeting moment, become God. Why even worry about the consequences? If you have their gun, you’ll be in charge, and you’ll make the laws, and they’ll be powerless to stop you. Granted, this study was conducted in an open-carry state, but it’s safe to assume everyone else in this establishment is also getting itchy the longer you ignore the voices.
Maybe there’s a reason thoughts like this keep intruding, and that reason is you should absolutely act on them, ever think about that?
Is it a felony? Likely, but it’s negligible. What really matters is that the endless din of chattering in your skull has become a chorus of voices telling you it would be hilarious to grab that cop’s gun while he’s distracted while ordering a sandwich, and that the cop and everyone else in line will find it equally hilarious.
Aren’t you glad you didn’t go to therapy or take your antipsychotic meds? If the voices are all on board about this (which they are because why would they lie to you), then you should probably follow their advice on stealing your sister’s credit card and buying 6,000 rats in order to turn them into your personal army.
DO IT! DO IT NOW! DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT!