The ‘70s are back, baby, and they’re right here in my 250-square-foot apartment. I’m reliving the debauchery of the decade by masturbating to completion, taking my doctor-prescribed dosage of antidepressants, and listening to the “Glee” cover of “Dream On,” arguably the best track on the perfectly good “Glee Collection” vinyl that my upstairs neighbor was throwing away for some reason.
I’ve always said I was born in the wrong generation, and everything about this Tuesday night takes me back to the golden age of the sexual revolution when being sweaty and horny was in and it was badass to have zero control over your sexual impulses. Now picture this: if you think having orgies and threesomes in a club are rock ‘n roll, imagine having a one-some in your own home with your hand and an improvised Fleshlight made of out a Nalgene bottle and old sponges. It’s really the ultimate act of rebellion for the modern individualist if you think about it. Don’t believe me? Then why do I feel a nearly insurmountable wave of guilt and shame after finishing? And why do I immediately reach for my drugs on the nightstand?
And yes, by drugs I mean the antidepressants I have been medically prescribed in order to be baseline functional—the ‘Zac, or as some have called it, “the feeling man’s cocaine.” Call me a product of my time, but there is no drug that makes me rock out more than one that keeps me from walking into traffic every morning. LSD and molly are nice for the young buck, but these days I get down to feeling bare-minimum okay inside. As I’ve always said, what better way to party like you don’t give a fuck than actually chemically stabilizing your mood?
Finally, for the music. Tonight I have once again chosen to relive the iconic moment in rock ‘n roll history of the Neil Patrick Harris and Matthew Morrison “Dream On” duet from Season 1 Episode 19 of “Glee.” Sure, I could put on The Stones or Hendrix like a normie, but personally I can relate to music more when there is a backstory about the highs and lows of high school drama club. Being rock ‘n roll is all about being yourself, which also happens to be the exact takeaway message of “Glee.” See, while some are chasing down the sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll era, others of us have never stopped living it. As Matthew Morrison beautifully belts in his verse: “You got to lose to know how to win.”