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Scented Candles and Polyamory Are Great, but Am I the Only One Who Joined This Coven To Eat Children?

Well, boil, boil, toil, and NOT SO MUCH TROUBLE apparently. Ever since I was introduced to the tale of Hansel and Gretel as a child I knew I wanted to be a hill witch. Think about it, this lady has a whole house made of delicious candy, but she just uses it to lure children so that she can cook and eat them? Children must taste pretty fucking good!

Imagine my delight to discover there was a whole coven of Wiccans (that’s PC for witch) who meet at a used book store cafe within walking distance to my house every Tuesday night! I couldn’t wait to go learn some cool spells, consort with ravens, and hopefully pick up some decent child cooking tips (marinade or dry rub?) Instead what I found was an assortment of doughy goth swingers who, while VERY nice, seemed to be into the witch life for other reasons.

I’m not trying to knock “The Coven or the Raven’s Crook” or trying to talk any shit against Lady Tabitha, head mistress of our order and crafter of fine scented candles available now on Etsy. I’m just starting to wonder if these witches are ever going to take off the kid’s gloves. Or, wait, are you supposed to wear gloves when you eat kids? I don’t even know!

It’s not that it’s been bad. I’ve made a lot of solid friends in the coven. I’ve learned a lot about crafts and mooncycles, and I’ve joined a pretty sexy polycule within the group. It’s honestly been a blast, but I’m still pretty eager to become a bride of Satan worthy of the fear and scorn of entire villages, or at least the dipshits in my apartment building.

I’m seriously starting to doubt if this group shares my core values. Last meeting Lady Tabitha was giving us an earful about the harmful effects of negative witch portrayal in the media. I chimed in with “Good point, we don’t want mortals knowing what we’re up to, that would make it very hard to eat their children” Everyone laughed, but it was like a wholesome laugh? Like it wasn’t a “tehehe I’ll get you my pretties” laugh as I expected. I don’t know.

At least I’m finally getting into The Cure.