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Opinion: Show Me in the Rulebook Where It Says a Dog, Which We’ve Established Can Play Basketball, Can’t Bite Another Player to Death

Okay, so you’ve called time-out and are wasting everyone’s precious time when they could be watching a thrilling yet family-friendly game of high school basketball. Didn’t we just go down this road? Didn’t we establish that there’s nothing in the rule book that says a dog can’t play basketball?

So, you agree, that’s established. Now, show me where it says in the rule book that the aforementioned dog can’t also bite a point guard to death.

That’s what I thought.

I think you’ll find there’s nothing in Referee Ted’s little rule book that says a golden retriever who somehow has developed the miraculous ability to play basketball on a competitive level with a group of almost exclusively Caucasian teens cannot snap and drag a screaming point guard across the court, his astonishingly sharp fangs buried deep in said player’s calf.

Listen, if you want to keep holding up this game and keeping all the players’ parents and a number of seemingly unrelated weirdoes in the stand all afternoon, by all means, try to find some technicality as to why a dog should be benched just for ripping out the throat of an honors student from our rival high school.

At this point, I think you’re kind of being a bad sport. That’s not a good example to set for the children.

The non-mauled ones, anyway.

Look, I can agree that a golden retriever playing basketball is unconventional. Wacky, even. The fact that he’s currently on the run from a threatening but not intimidating party clown, who could best be described as “PG scary,” adds an extra layer of easily reconciled drama to this whole situation, which, just to keep us all on the same page, is high school basketball.

I’m going to be completely honest with you, I cannot believe I won the “A dog can play basketball” argument in the first place, okay?! The whole time I was arguing, in the back of my head I was just thinking “This is crazy, this is insane, this is never going to work,” but you all went for it! And guess what, you don’t get to pick and choose now! There’s no putting the genie back in the bottle here, dogs can play basketball and maul our youth, and that’s it!

Why don’t you get back to your bench, let Referee Ted do his job, and coach your team the best way you know how rather than have this argument again? We both know how it’s going to end.

Also, we might want to hurry up; the dog has a taste for human flesh now and can only be satisfied with blood or a climactic, game-winning basket just as the buzzer goes off.
Now, let’s all have a good time out there! There’s plenty of kids who haven’t been bitten to death on the bench!