OK, when I decided to buy a home in this community, I thought I’d enjoy a little bit of freedom in how I express myself on my own goddamn property. However, this ever-present policing over the decisions I make has gotten a little ridiculous, and since you’re holding the HOA Laws and Regulations in your hands right now, why don’t you show me the rule that specifically prohibits me from hanging “Audition” themed Halloween decorations outside my house? I’ll wait.
Yeah, that’s what I thought. Now why don’t you be a good little board member and kindly excuse yourself from my front yard?
What do you mean by “gratuitous and needlessly violent imagery” anyway? I’ve noticed you haven’t been pestering Bill Holdsworth over his headless horseman display, so why should you have a problem with my footless, near-naked man on all fours eagerly lapping up a bowl of fresh vomit? Talk about a double standard. And feel free to measure the height and width; I was pretty meticulous about staying within regulation there.
Oh, you’re not even going to bother? So you’re here to harass me about the rules you think I’ve violated and you’re not even willing to part with a single word of praise for the ones I’ve followed? You know what? I think you just have it out for me. Well, I’m not budging. Sue me.
Actually, please don’t sue me.
Don’t touch that Gigli saw! If you were on my lawn to admire and not admonish, I’d let you inspect more closely, but you’re clearly here in bad faith. And yes, it’s very sharp and hanging directly in the path of oncoming trick-or-treaters. Halloween is supposed to be scary. That’s the point! Haven’t you ever been to a haunted house?
OK, I’ll concede that the pre-recorded sounds of somebody groaning in impotent agony as needles are inserted under his eyes don’t need to stay on after 11PM. I’m big enough to admit that I didn’t think that one through, so we can find a compromise there. The bloody, detached foot stays, though. I don’t care how “shockingly vile and utterly lacking in taste” you think it is. That’s just your opinion, and it’s a poor one that’s been expressed rather rudely, at that.
And yes, not like it’s any of your business, but the dead dog is real. At least it’s taxidermied. I learned my lesson from last year’s “Gummo” display. Are we done here? You appear pretty determined to continue this absurd witch hunt, and I need to finish tweaking the flapping mechanism on this severed tongue. I guess we can continue this discussion at my disciplinary hearing. Same time and place as last year?