*TO EDITOR: I’M BEGGING YOU. PLEASE DO NOT PUBLISH.*
The Hard Times: Hey, nice shirt. Name 3 songs.
Kendall Jenner: Ok. Off which album?
Their earliest one, obviously. Pfft.
You want me to name three songs off, Show No Mercy, then?
Yes. It was a trick question, to see if you actually knew what it was.
Well there’s Antichrist, Evil Has No Boundaries, and of course Die by the Sword, which are all classics in their own right. But my favorite track off Show No Mercy might be Black Magic. That riff is so fucking sick and Tom’s vocals are haunting. I think Show No Mercy may be my favorite album. That or Reign in Blood. You should give it a listen sometime.
Pfft—give it a listen, we’ve listened to it before. We at the Hard Times collectively have listened to every punk and metal album ever created.
Haha, of course, so sorry to have doubted you. Next question.
Uhh yeah we definitely had more questions Ummm… Okay, so we covered the three songs. Can you name three… members?
Tom Araya, Kerry King, Dave Lombardo, and the late great Jeff Hanneman. Additionally, not one of the founding members, but Gary Holt started filling in for Jeff when he was sick, and continued playing with them after his passing. Now Holt, who, despite him not liking me for wearing Slayer merch, which was heartbreaking to hear, was the perfect choice to pay homage to Jeff. I mean the guy has been friends with [Jeff] and the rest of the band for so long, like since they were kids. Being such a talented guitarist and a pioneer of thrash itself, he was the right guy for the job. Though I’m not sure if I’d ever have the guts to tell him that to his face if I ever had the opportunity to meet him. He’d probably call me a poser, and I don’t think I could handle hearing that from a hero of mine. Outside of Slayer, Exodus is one of my favorite bands. Thrash would be nowhere without them. I think they should’ve been included in the Big Four. Get Megadeth out of there. Dave Mustaine is such an ass.
Right… Well, technically you’re incorrect because you kind of named five, but we’ll give it to you. Can you name three times you’ve seen them live?
I saw them twice in the early 2000s on the God Hates us All tour after begging my mom to bring me, and then was lucky enough to catch them on their hopefully not “final” tour. Tickets were expensive, but I’m a millionaire so I splurged on the pit tickets for my sisters and me. For legal reasons, they didn’t put the footage into Keeping Up with the Kardashians. I think they were worried about a Lars Ulrich-type situation or something. Can you name three times you’ve seen them live?
Well they aren’t really heavy enough for me.
Oh. Ok. But surely you can name three of their songs?
Well outside the easy ones you mentioned there’s Angel Breath, St. Anger, and uh, Blood Rain?
Close—Angel of Death and Raining Blood. And although St. Anger unfortunately exists, it’s by a different band. Do you know the name of that band?
Ghost.
What? Eew, no. Okay, this one is easy, name 3 albums.
I, uhh…
You’re doing great, sweetie. Just name 3 albums.
Please!
Name. Three. Albums.
Poohoooooo! I can’t! I can’t do it, okay?! I’ve never listened to them once in my life! I’m afraid! With all the spooky artwork and screaming! Listen, if I don’t look like I listen to Slayer—then I’m outta a job! I’m begging you, please don’t tell them! Please don’t tell them I’m a poser!
Oh dear. Okay, my advice to you: do your squats, eat your vegetables, wear red lipstick, and for the love of God, listen to fucking SLAYER!