There have been plenty of reported miracles throughout the course of human history, ranging from Christ’s resurrection after his crucifixion at the hands of the Romans to the time when a bolt of acid lightning from the heavens finally killed Pol Pot.
However, some miracles are so unfathomably rare and awe-inspiring that they bust through the cynical veil of non-believers by presenting them a situation that cannot possibly be anything besides divine intervention: five 30-something human beings, some of whom have actual children, all found a shared Saturday where none of them have any obligations.
Yes, we know, please don’t faint from incredulity just yet. You read right. That’s an entire Saturday that these five friends had free from work responsibilities, doctor’s appointments, lunch plans with their in-laws, and whatever stupid things their dumb little wiener kids would have tried to drag them to. None of that! Praise the lord!
Reports indicate that at the time of the miracle’s discovery, a beam of light shot forth from the friends’ shared Google calendar and the three friends who weren’t busy meal prepping for the week at that moment gazed on in awe as they realized that they all had a Saturday, a mere nine weeks away, where none of them had any plans. The other two friends were later told about the beam of light and agreed that it sounded pretty cool.
As anyone else who has had to leave their youth to vanish rapidly in the rearview window of their lives knows, being over 33 years old guarantees that you will never again be spontaneously capable of doing whatever you want with four other people you actually enjoy forever. Thus, this modern-day miracle is being heralded by whatever Pope we’ve gotta deal with right now as “a clearer sign of divine intervention than if my bitch mother-in-law shut her judgemental face hole for even a second.” That’s a direct Pope quote there.
While the friends all appear to agree that they’ll make the most of this once in a lifetime free group Saturday, unfortunately, they’ll be even busier going forward as they’ll have to start going to church on Sundays again. But hey, that’s the cost of miracles, apparently. Hail Satan!