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If Your Band Sucks, You Have To Tell Me or It’s Entrapment

Hey, thanks for agreeing to meet with me in this shadowy parking garage. Okay, so before I can buy a ticket to your show, I have to ask you something. If we’re going to make this exchange, I need to know… does your band suck? And you legally have to tell me if you do, otherwise, it’s entrapment. I know my rights as a showgoer.

I ask because by the way you were talking about it, I’d expect the show to sell out and there’d be a line around the block. However, you seem to be holding an unopened envelope with at least 100 tickets in there. I’m starting to suspect you might be in a shitty band. That’s cool and all, but if you don’t tell me before I buy this ticket, I am free to leave during your first song and no resentment you feel can legally be attributed to me.

Seriously, if your band blows chunks and you don’t tell me before your set starts, I’m gonna lose my shit. If you just tell me you guys suck right now, we can save all this hassle and you can play your ska-trap songs while I sit at home smoking a bowl, watching “Rush Hour 4: Rush Hourer.”

Because, see, you told me this was gonna “kick ass.” Those were your exact words. If you guys suck, now’s your chance to walk that back. Even if you guys suck now but it’s clear that you’re gonna be good in a few years, tell me so I can at least get a couple shots in me before your trombone/keytar player does a solo with either.

I know I said I’d really dug your guys’ EP on Soundcloud but I was just trying to be supportive. What I meant was that I dug the idea of you having a band, as long as it didn’t impact me in any way at all.

You won’t tell me? Fine. Whatever. I’ll go, but you owe me big time. My improv group is a fucking dumpster fire and we have a show coming up next weekend so tit for tat. And in case it’s not clear, we fucking suck.