My entire life, I worried about disappointing the expectations of my family, friends, and colleagues, thereby exposing myself as the loser piece of shit I am under my confident facade. But, as it turns out, I didn’t have to worry about being a fraud because I’ve been disappointing everyone around me this whole time!
When I was a kid, I was placed in gifted classes but I was always stressed out because I never felt like I deserved it. Fortunately, that anxiety made me a terrible student and I was quickly put back into regular classes before the impostor syndrome could do too much damage. Phew.
I also used to feel the need to deflect praise in the workplace. I felt like such an impostor for landing such a great job right out of college. But good news, I haven’t received a professional compliment once! My contributions are superfluous and I’m bad at my job, so no worries about impostor syndrome here. It’s awesomesauce.
It’s not that I don’t care what people think—that’s actually the only thing I value. I’ve just accepted my destiny of living and dying in total obscurity, having contributed no meaningful act of art or progress to the human endeavor. Now, when my relatives and acquaintances ask me what I’m doing with my life, I simply nod and smile with the serene twinkle of ineptitude shining in my dead eyes. A wave of euphoric tranquility washes over me.
I am free.
All my life, I thought everyone expected so much of me but it turns out they don’t think of me at all! In any capacity! Success! All I gotta do is continue to be a mediocre parent, partner, and friend and I will never risk suffering from impostor syndrome again.