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I Don’t Have a Straight Edge Problem, I Can Start Drinking Whenever I Want

First things first: this is bullshit. Don’t come at me with your judgmental assumptions. There’s nothing wrong with what I’m doing and I don’t wanna hear about how it can escalate and ruin my future. I don’t have a straight edge problem. I can start drinking whenever I want!

My name is Morsey Calloway, and I’ve been straight edge my whole life. And you know what? I don’t see the problem.

I mean, I could crack a beer right now if I wanted. Simple. Easiest thing in the world. Sure, the thought of doing so makes my chest hurt and my hands shake, but that’s probably just the caffeine. I drink a lot of coffee.

See, I’m a social straight edger. It’s not my whole life. Plenty of people can straight edge every once in a while just to have a good time and it doesn’t impact their life at all. Me and the boys just cruise around, crack open a six-pack of Fanta, crack open another six-pack of Fanta, and then cruise around looking for more Fanta.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Diabetes, shmiabetes. Everybody’s gotta die of something.

Related: Just Because I Don’t Drink Anymore Doesn’t Mean I Have to Stop Puking in Ubers


I don’t wanna hear that bullshit about how, sure, right now I can maintain at parties, but one day I might edge way too hard and get beat up after spitting in a smoker’s face. And I don’t wanna hear about my non-smoking problem either. I only don’t smoke when I don’t drink.

Sure, all my buddies have broken edge recently. And yes, they do keep telling me to grow up and start binge-drinking like a productive member of society. But they’re all corporate tightwads now and I don’t miss them.

They say you should never edge alone, but the way I see it, La Croix tastes just as good at home as it does down at the old vacant lot. Also, there’s no one left but me.

You know what? Fuck it. So what if my parents lock the soda fridge when I come to visit? So what if I keep getting fired for moshing on the job? I’m happy with my choice. My worst day edging is better than my best day drinking, which has never happened and never will, so eat shit, you fashion punk fucks. SxE for LIFE.