So you’re on a sobriety kick, I get it, we’ve all been there. Or, maybe you’re straight edge, haven’t even tasted the sweet release of an ibuprofen during the most manic of headaches. Here’s a few ways that have worked for us to say NO to drugs. At least until our crush showed up.
“No thanks, I’m good”
Can go a long way. Unless of course, the person holding a jazz-cigarette in your face is your crush, and you’re at a party with a ton of other super hot people that they may take a liking to if you don’t smoke this joint right FUCKING now. If that’s the case then, despite your history with weed and how it makes you insurmountably paranoid even with your closest friends, you can backpedal with something suave like, “Actually, you know what? Call me potty-mouth because I think I would like a drag of that sweet-leaf, daddio.” Then BOOM you’re in. Now just build up some saliva to fight the cotton-mouth so you can ask them out.
“Sorry, I’m stuffed”
This is a bonafide classic when you don’t want to consume any (or any more, looking at you, Andy) psilocybin mushrooms. However if your crush looks a little bummed out you won’t be taking a trip with them, tag on “…But I can always make room for dessert!” And toss a couple of those bad larries down your gullet. See you love-birds in a few hours!
“I don’t do well in the snow”
So your crush comes up to you again, this time asking to go to the bathroom with them to do lines of cocaine off the water tank of the only working toilet in the downstairs bathroom at the local Goth club. Of course they did, you stud! Give ‘em the ol’ “I don’t do well in the snow,” until they start eying the sound-guy person who’s wearing a sick vintage “Transformers” t-shirt. “But I love the Winter Olympics!” Go into that bathroom and luge those lines, big guy.
“For the last time, my name isn’t Molly.”
A steadfast approach to deter someone from offering you designer drugs. But let’s say you’re at a rave in the desert with a bunch of burners. And one of them is super cute and you have to look cool. Follow this up with “unless you were doing a ‘Call Me By Your Name’ thing, then do that, (Insert your name here).” and pop one of those pills, Molly, because you’re about to have a nice evening with your crush. You’ll hardly be sweating at all. You’re gonna smell great. Make sure you call them by your name the rest of the night to keep up with the bit they instilled.
“Fentanyl? More like Fenta-NO”
There isn’t a backpedal quip for this one. Don’t even do this if your crush is doing it, please.
“I can’t. I need to drive my kids to soccer practice later”
Is a good way to turn down a dozen beers. “But maybe it’ll actually make me less nervous while driving” So your crush knows that not only do you know how to party, but you’re also a considerate parent.
“Crack is wack”
This slogan was huge in the ‘80s. If someone offers you crack, you can squash the offer with this simple saying. But if it’s your crush, good freaking luck, buddy. Toss on a “But I’m wackier” there and freebase that shit if you really want to impress them. You will be trying to steal a cop’s gun in no time.
“Turn on? Tune in? OPT out.”
Throw a spin on this old Timothy Leary quote to shut down any hippie waving a sheet of LSD in your face. For your crush—just leave it at “Turn ON.” and slob that paper down. Your crush will think it’s so hot. Hang in there, it may be a bumpy ride, but think of your crush. You HAVE to do this.
“I’m no angel”
If anyone offers you PCP, or “angel dust” give them this. “But I’ll be your Devil” when your crush asks. That’ll sound VERY cool, and not lame, you sexy devil. Do your best to not get absurdly aggressive. That would be a major buzzkill.
“Don’t need any. I’m all natural, baby”
To make flaccid any offering of blue chew. But if your crush insists? “Maybe it’ll amplify how natural I am” Strap in. Do your best to not get stage fright. And remember to call the physician if you have been too “natural” for too long of time.