Your Weekly Hardcore Horoscopes April 4, 2018 Aries (March 21-April 19) Don’t waste your time with someone who isn’t going to change their mind. If you… Read More →
Uh Oh: Myspace Just Sold All the Data About Your Emo Phase to the Russians April 2, 2018 Well, this isn’t good. Coheed Analytica, a data firm out of the United Kingdom that specializes in using people’s emo… Read More →
BREAKING: #AllLivesMatter Leaders Blast March for Our Lives for Focusing Only on Children’s Lives March 24, 2018 WASHINGTON — Leaders of the #AllLivesMatter movement called for an end to March for Our Lives early this afternoon at… Read More →
Rescued Three-Legged Dog Finds New Purpose as Conversation Starter March 18, 2018 SAN FRANCISCO — Local three-legged dog Chester, recently adopted from a nearby no-kill shelter, will live out the rest of… Read More →
New Kid in Scene Not Sure Which Merch Table to Aimlessly Stand By March 17, 2018 AUSTIN, Texas — Recent transplant Andre Alvarado was reportedly unsure which merch table was socially acceptable to aimlessly stand by… Read More →
Good Guy with a Gun Increasingly Bitter About Being Ignored by Women March 16, 2018 SAN ANTONIO — Local “good guy” and gun enthusiast Dean Hart admitted today that “constant” rejection and overwhelming loneliness has… Read More →
Aging Hardcore Frontman’s Rant on Gender Identity Most Likely Meant to Be Positive March 12, 2018 PHILADELPHIA — A long-winded and confusing rant last night about gender identity by legendary hardcore frontman Bobbie Bryant was likely… Read More →
Abandoned Building Every Hardcore Band Poses in Front of Converted to Condos March 10, 2018 LOS ANGELES — The dilapidated building that provided the backdrop for every promo photo from every hardcore band ever will… Read More →
$5 Tub of Spackle Best Hope of Getting Punk House Security Deposit Back March 9, 2018 ALLSTON, Mass. — Residents of a basement apartment on Gardner Street are counting on a single, $5 tub of spackle… Read More →
Aging Couple Praying Band Does Not Play Encore March 7, 2018 BALTIMORE — Married couple Kenny Wallace and Audrey Tyler are praying to “Christ or whatever the fuck” that the band… Read More →