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$5 Tub of Spackle Best Hope of Getting Punk House Security Deposit Back

ALLSTON, Mass. — Residents of a basement apartment on Gardner Street are counting on a single, $5 tub of spackle to repair multiple doors, walls, and pieces of flooring for a full return on their security deposit, sources close to the decrepit home confirmed.

“We did a lot of damage to the apartment over the past year, but it’s not all our fault. The punching competition we had last summer wouldn’t have made such a mess if the drywall wasn’t this cheap, half-inch crap,” said resident Jack Carassini. “I taped a poster over the hole and then smoothed some putty over it, though, so it looks good as new… just as long as the lights are off.”

The apartment, which houses five college-aged local punks, served as a default meeting spot before heading out into the city with friends over the years.

“Things could get pretty rowdy here, and I guess we’re paying for it now,” said primary lease holder Becky Park. “We had one party where everyone dressed up as superheros, and someone showed up with a real sword. It was fun, until they stabbed it through the door while someone was on the other side trying to take a piss. The spackle sort of filled the hole, but the blood stains might take a thing of club soda or something, because they ain’t going anywhere.”


Carassini’s father, a private contractor, purchased the spackle and initially attempted to help the residents with repairs.

“I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I thought maybe — maybe — we’d need to patch some holes where they hung a few photos or put up a bookshelf, but I’ve never seen anything like this,” said the elder Carassini. “It looked like a can of spray paint exploded by the front door. When I found what looked like a human shit in the cat’s litter box that had been there for God knows how long, I just had to leave.”

At press time, residents were desperately trying to find a pet snake that escaped its terrarium and is potentially in the heating ducts.

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Article by The Hard Times Staff @REALpunknews. Photo by Kyle Erf @KyleErf.