Opinion: So I Ate All That Pineapple for Nothing
Hey, thanks for coming over. Are you enjoying the music? You can put on whatever you want, you know? Can…
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Patrick Crooks
161 stories found
How I Learned I’m Into Edging Thanks To a Horribly Timed FaceTime Call From My Mother
I was having a typical Saturday evening home. Turned down the lights, locked the doors, put on the newest Sean…
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Top Five Zeppelin Albums According To the Guy Our Mom’s Kind of Dating
Whether you’re my mom’s ex-boyfriend or the guy my mom is currently sort of seeing Led Zeppelin has had an…
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Amendment to Punk Status of Green Day Tacked On to Stimulus Bill
WASHINGTON — Congressional attempts to pass a COVID-19 stimulus bill once again reached an impasse yesterday after Congressman Matt Gaetz…
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Black Punk Band Also Confused Why They’re Nominated In Hip-Hop Category
LOS ANGELES — Members of all-black punk band The ‘Stangs were nominated for a Grammy late last month, but are…
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Punk House Better Be Fucking Kidding About This “Take Off Your Shoes” Horseshit
WASHINGTON — Residents of the punk house collective known as Radistan have reportedly “lost their goddamn fucking minds if they…
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Report: “ACAB” Includes Friendly Old Crossing Guard, Gus
EUGENE, Ore. — Tearful members of the Whiteaker Neighborhood Association determined through contentions debate yesterday that the common protest refrain…
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Attempt at Discreetly Adjusting Balls Noticed by Everyone
SEATTLE — Local man Brian Preston failed moments ago to covertly adjust his balls, accidentally drawing the attention of everyone…
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Coworker Called Out for Gutting, Scaling, Microwaving Fish in Office Breakroom
BOWIE, Md. — The staff of Free State Digital are reportedly at their wits end over sales rep John Morris’s…
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Apologetic Caretaker Removes Muttering Danzig from Party City
LOS ANGELES — Local caregiver Sheila Hart apologized to the patrons and staff at the Van Nuys Party City earlier…
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