The World Is a Beautiful Place & I Am No Longer Afraid to Die Finally Considering Name Change
WILLIMANTIC, Conn. — Emo revival favorites The World Is a Beautiful Place & I Am No Longer Afraid to Die…
Read More →
John Danek
451 stories found
Opinion: Fuck Birds
Some people climb rocks for fun. Others pass time crafting needlepoint creations. Still, others like to observe birds. This last…
Read More →
Bank CEO Will Have to Move in With Parents if He Doesn’t Get $40 Billion Bailout
NEW YORK — OneStar Bank CEO Finnegan Bostwick claimed today that if the U.S. Congress doesn’t pass a separate bailout…
Read More →
We Ranked All the Thrash/Hardcore Albums of Law & Order: SVU Cast Members
It’s a pretty well-known fact that the television show "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" has been a breeding ground…
Read More →
Careless Girlfriend Endangers Older, Compromised Immune System of Pop-Punk Frontman Boyfriend
PLAINVIEW, N.Y. — 16-year-old Misty Lebowitz carelessly endangered her much, much older and immunocompromised pop-punk singer boyfriend Scotty McDickers yesterday…
Read More →
Los Angeles Resident Spends Quarantine Masturbating to Google Maps Traffic View of 405 and 101
LOS ANGELES — Quarantined Los Angelino Freddy Garcia has spent a majority of his COVID-19 isolation time pleasuring himself to…
Read More →
Nerd Pronounces “Fat Wreck Chords” All Separate and Weird
DENVER — Local nerd Eugene Boscroft asked aghast record store employees moments ago to help him find old compilations from…
Read More →
Opinion: If That Were True, My Palms Would Have Floor-Length Dreadlocks
Sex education in America is deplorable. Public schools are still trying to teach abstinence as if half the students aren’t…
Read More →
Emotional Support Dog Also Fucking Terrified of Flying
ATLANTA — Local emotional support dog and shivering, terrified Spitz-mix Bartholomew was forced yesterday to fly on a 5-hour commercial…
Read More →
New Podcast ‘My Least Favorite Murder’ Discusses Death of Host’s Wife
SIOUX FALLS, S.D. — Capitalizing on the true crime entertainment craze, Clifford Waters has turned his grief over his wife’s…
Read More →