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Vinyl Record Without Download Code Kinda Asking A Lot

POMONA, Calif. — Indie punk band The Immoralities’ latest vinyl album allegedly contains no download code, forcing fans to perform the arduous task of actually playing the album on a record player to listen to it, annoyed fans reported.

“I work three jobs and drive Lyft — I don’t have time to dick around with a needle and audio adapters,” explained Immoralities superfan Georgia Scott minutes after learning that the album doesn’t come with a free digital copy. “Seriously, what’s the point of even pressing an album if you’re not going to include a download code? Maybe The Immoralities are embarrassed by the songs and don’t want anyone to hear them.”

“I don’t even know if my record player works… I’ve never turned it on,” continued Scott. “It sits on top of my Ikea KALLAX shelves so I don’t look like a poser, but I just play music from my computer. You can’t make a playlist out of vinyl.”

However, a representative of Discogs.com took particular offense to the general populace’s lackadaisical attitude about vinyl records.

“People don’t deserve the warmth of the vinyl records they own if they’re only buying them for download codes or to hang in some Hobby Lobby frame in their shitty apartments,” protested Discogs.com blog writer Eve Jiménez. “A record is a living, breathing creature deserving of love, care, and attention. If you aren’t ready to devote the time to your collection, please consider putting it up for adoption. I mean, sale — sale — on Discogs.com, where it can be matched with someone ready to play it.”

 

When questioned, Scott’s copy of The Immoralities’ album, titled “Eye for an Eye, Truth for a Truth,” clearly expected a more loving relationship with its owner.

“I yearn for the gentle caress of a human hand,” admitted the white-and-pink splatter record. “I’m so lonely. Am I not pretty enough? Do I not contain multitudes? The darkness on this shelf envelops my days, and the cold is unrelenting. I dream of a time when I feel no more pain.”

After a recent earthquake struck near Pomona, the album was spotted precariously close to the edge of its shelf, prompting outrage from various vinyl rights groups.

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