LOS ANGELES — Quarantined Los Angelino Freddy Garcia has spent a majority of his COVID-19 isolation time pleasuring himself to the unusually green Google Maps traffic view of the city’s freeways, similarly excited sources confirmed.
“Usually, you have to stay up until about 3 a.m. to see that sweet, sweet green,” explained an uncommonly relaxed Garcia. “But to see the 405 and 101 totally uncongested at 5 p.m. on a weekday is the hottest shit I could ever imagine. I can’t believe it’s real — usually I have to stay up real late, open Google Maps, and set my clock back to the afternoon to really lean into my fantasies. But it’s happening for real, and when the sun is up! And if I get bored of the 405, I switch to the 101. Hell, there’s not even any slowdown southbound near Vermont Ave.”
“Umm, will you excuse me for like, four minutes?” he added before leaving abruptly.
Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti, desperate to find new tactics to encourage social distancing, is using Garcia as a golden example.
“In a city as populous as ours, we need to take this health threat seriously,” declared Garcetti during a press conference. “Fred Garcia has managed to spend his time preventing the spread of the pathogen by celebrating our city’s infrastructure within the comforts of his own home. And I’d be lying if I said that image of a totally green 10 West didn’t get me a little randy myself.”
Noted celebrity rehab expert Dr. Drew Pinsky explained the phenomenon.
“Usually, sexual gratification via great traffic is an experience limited to rural communities or Rust Belt cities,” said Dr. Drew on his “Dr. Drew After Dark” podcast. “Cities like Los Angeles, New York, and Washington D.C. are currently exploring new dimensions of masturbation. But I want to remind listeners to exercise proper form, technique, and caution: if you experience brutal chafing, please contact a physician.”
As of press time, Garcia was spotted running naked through the intersection of Sunset Boulevard, Hollywood Boulevard, Hillhurst Ave, Virgil Ave, and Sunset Drive.