Abbott Tests Positive for Justified Variant of COVID-19
AUSTIN — Texas Governor Greg Abbott tested positive for the emerging Justified variant of COVID-19, according to a statement from…
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Freelancer — Page 4
81 stories found
Aww: When This 87-Year-Old Man Couldn’t Afford Insulin, His Community Banded Together to Rent Him a Bouncy House and Then Bounced in It While He Kind of Just Watched
Prepare to have your faith in humanity restored! When neighbors found out that 87-year-old Sacramento resident Robert Manzana needed help…
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Pro-Gun Leftist Hospitalized After Biting Tongue for Entire Day at Shooting Range
PORTLAND — Ardent leftist and Socialist Rifle Association member Jamie Stoltz was hospitalized after severely damaging her tongue by biting…
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God Kills Rumsfeld as Apology for Whole Cosby Thing
HEAVEN — Local benevolent being, God, ended the life of former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld today as a formal…
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New York Hardcore Scene to Organize Benefit Show for Victims of Last Benefit Show
NEW YORK — A local hardcore scene was left to organize a benefit show for several hundred of the 3,000…
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Study Finds Librarian Saying “Shh” Directly to Camera Still Most Effective Music Video Element for Conveying Pop-Punk Bands’ Distaste for Authority
ANN ARBOR, Mich. — A study published Thursday in the University of Michigan’s Journal of Human Psychology confirmed that an…
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This Purity Ring Says Nothing About Sucking on Toes, Baby
Hey girl, I had a great time watching the Jars of Clay live-stream with you the other night. But I…
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Attorney Desperately Tries to Convince Punk to at Least Give Some Fucks
LUBBOCK, Texas — Local defense attorney Andre Laird is reportedly running out of options today, trying to convince his punk…
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Rapper Lil Baby, 26, Dies of SIDS
ATLANTA — Dominique Jones, more popularly known to rap fans as Lil Baby, tragically passed away in his sleep last…
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“The Queen’s Gambit” Inspires Millions of Young Girls to Play 30 Seconds of Online Chess Before Seeing What Else Is On
MADISON, Wis. — The breakout Netflix show “The Queen’s Gambit” has reportedly inspired millions of young girls around the globe…
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