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This Purity Ring Says Nothing About Sucking on Toes, Baby

Hey girl, I had a great time watching the Jars of Clay live-stream with you the other night. But I was wondering if you wanted to come over and have a different kind of fun? And no- I am not talking about sexual intercourse. Heck no! Don’t even get your hopes up. Didn’t you see my purity ring?

But this ring says nothing about sucking on those little corn cob toes, baby.

I want to first state that I am devoted to saving my virgin essence for my future wife, in a sexual exchange approved by the Lord himself. And yet, there are so many things we can do in the meantime. I can drool all over those phalanges while you smear whipped cream all over yourself. While I’m down there, I can trim those nails if you want. If that’s what you’re into.

I checked, and while vaginal intercourse outside of marriage is expressly forbidden Leviticus has no problem with us establishing a deviant, full spectrum kink dynamic. I’m gonna call the big toe “Daddy.”

Maybe you’re in the mood to relax instead of getting all revved up? In that case, I’ve done some YouTube tutorials on massages and have quite a collection of oils. I’d love for you to be the first client of my soon-to-be-patented Breast and Coccyx Massage™. Honestly, it’s barely sexual. Nothing mom, dad, and pastor wouldn’t approve of.

If you’re not into touching, I’m also a very talented boudoir photographer. Unfortunately, with my current lens I can’t really photograph clothing too well. You’ll have to be naked. And to make you more comfortable, I will be as well. Except for the ring. It stays on no matter where life takes me, to help me resist temptations of the flesh.

Are you into furry play? I have a vast collection of different fursonas in all different sizes, mostly reptile themed. But keep in mind that no matter how seductive you may look as a Komodo dragon, we will not be having penis-in-vagina sex. It’s simply not on the table. And it’s gross. I don’t care if you call me a prude behind my back.

So I look forward to hearing back from you. Oh, and if you’re free next weekend, would you like to go protest local radio stations for continuing to play that Cardi B “WAP” smut?