Doug Kolic, Author at HARDTIMES

Opinion: Your House Isn’t Haunted, It’s Just a Piece of Shit

October 28, 2023

Well, that concludes our paranormal investigation of your turn-of-the-century Victorian farmhouse. After using numerous spirit-locating devices and other elaborate ghost-searching…

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Bassist Left in Hot Car for 8 Hours Drawing More of a Crowd Than When He Performs

September 2, 2023

PLANO, Texas — Local bassist Keegan Rizzo recently drew his biggest crowd yet after being locked inside of his band’s…

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Punk Pied Piper Marches Army of Rats Right Back Into Town

August 24, 2023

HAMELIN, Germany — Local residents awoke to the horrifying sight of thousands of filthy rats being led back into the…

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Garbage Truck Driving Behind Punk Band’s Tour Van Can’t Believe the Stench

August 13, 2023

PATERSON, N.J. — Local garbage collector Vince LePaglia couldn’t believe the putrid stench emanating from the tour van of punk…

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We Revisit That Sick Burn We Had on That Kid in Grade School Because We Really Need This

August 13, 2023

I love reminiscing about the good old days. Like in fifth grade, when I totally dunked on Owen Krevsky when…

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Introverted Office Worker With New Haircut About to Walk Into Fucking Minefield

July 26, 2023

WILMINGTON, Del. — Office introvert Chandler Pike was cautiously optimistic that his shorter-than-usual haircut would go unnoticed by colleagues, according…

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If Home Ownership Is So Elusive, Why Did I Inherit Three?

July 15, 2023

Not a day goes by that I don’t hear someone bitching about not being able to afford a home. They…

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Opinion: College Admissions Should Only Be Based on Merit and Who Your Parents Are

July 12, 2023

The Supreme Court finally did the right thing and struck down the unjust policy of Affirmative Action in college admissions.…

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5 Times Characters From “Full House” Made Inappropriate Remarks About the Chernobyl Nuclear Disaster

June 23, 2023

If you’re like me, you fondly remember the ‘80s sitcom “Full House” as a heartwarming comedy about a gay throuple…

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Juggalo Scientists Confirm “Whoop Whoop” Means Both “Hello,” “Goodbye,” and “Show Me Your Butthole”

May 27, 2023

DELRAY, Mich. — Leading Juggalo scientists confirmed fascinating new research which indicates that “whoop whoop” has numerous meanings including “hello,”…

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