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Identical Punk Twins Intuitively Sense When Other One Jonesing for Smoke

MILWAUKEE – Identical punk twins Ryan and Bryan Ohland recently revealed their ability to sense when the other is jonesing for a cigarette, sources who kept a safe distance from the sketchy pair reported.

“There are so many benefits of having a twin, but the most important one is being able to tell when my brother’s body is shutting down from lack of nicotine,” said Ryan, we think. “Everyone’s heard of twins having an emotional bond so strong they know what the other’s feeling, but our gift is much greater because we know the instant the other one starts to convulse, puke, and jones for a cig. That’s why I’m always prepared to send my bro an emergency pack of Pall Malls with the help of this expensive drone I found in the back of some rich asshole’s Mercedes.”

Grocery store manager Thomas McIntosh, who chases the twins away from his establishment on a weekly basis, described his interactions with them.

“Most of the time these filthy punks are trying to sell back shopping carts they stole from me, or are shoving packages of hot dogs down their jeans,” stated McIntosh. “And each time when I’m about to call the cops, they start screaming that their punk Spidey Sense is kicking in and that they need to go save their brother. But their intuition is always just a feeling that the other twin needs a smoke, some booze, or drugs. I think it’s a total scam, since it’s a pretty safe bet that these types of people are always looking to get fucked up.”

Dr. Laura Sanchez, an expert in twin behavior, explained how this instinct is also documented in nature.

“Research indicates that human twins have a lot in common with other species,” she described. “Twin rats separated by distance, for example, were observed telepathically alerting each other when they located a turned-up dumpster. We’ve also seen twin possums intuitively know when the other one was able to gnaw through the undercarriage of an abandoned Chevy and find shelter inside the engine block. The common denominator between the human punks and these rodents is their incredible sixth sense, and the fact that they’re all really fucking gross.”
At press time, the drone carrying menthols to one of the twins fell from the sky and knocked him unconscious, something which his brother somehow did not sense.