With god as his wittiness, Michael Towne will never wake up violently hungover lying in a bed of empty White Claws and crushed potato chips…
With average housing prices hovering around the half-million dollar mark, I knew I’d never be a homeowner in my lifetime, and I was right. Decades…
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local man Jeremy Squires is celebrating an astonishing 15 years of contemplating sobriety surrounded by friends, family, and bottomless mimosas at his…
The incidents that signify the end of a punk’s life are varied, unpredictable, and often smelly, but there is no discharge from the scene as…
Before embracing my naturally androgynous features, I tried to wax, contour, and push-up bra my way into feminization to avoid mean remarks from children and…
Cumming is cool and all, but not cumming is what the real sex pros are doing. For some people, this process of prolonging an orgasm…
Despite what your friends, family members, and recently assigned parole officer might say, circumstances that seem tragic right now will soon be something you and…
JOLIET, Ill. — Squatmate of the infamous Hell House Rodney “Worm” Mason is facing doubt from his peers after they discovered he owns not just…
In an unbelievable feat of self-contempt, one woman’s inner critic beat out over 100 million songs and 11 million different artists to become the most…
If you think giving women credit cards in 1974 and making spousal rape a crime in 1993 would be enough liberation for one century, you…
It’s never okay to go through your partner’s phone unless you have concrete evidence of infidelity, like seeing he randomly started streaming “The O.C.” or…
It’s common sense that the higher a man’s mattress is off the floor, the more secrets he’s hiding. Don’t believe me? When was the last…
There’s nothing sadder than finding out someone who sucks at their job was giving it their all, and this also applies to fatherhood. Who could…
After all the years of bad first dates and bookended relationships, you finally found your twin flame. Who could have guessed your cosmic counterpart would…
Every woman knows there’s nothing better than coming home after a long day of work, changing into lingerie, lighting a Yankee candle, and going to…