Press "Enter" to skip to content

Cult Classic? This Movie Sucks

As the self-appointed authority on all things film, I’d like to introduce you to a future cult classic so unnerving, so screwball and so utterly unwatchable, that it makes “Eraserhead” look like a Marvel movie.

Spoiler Alert: Liking this movie before it becomes popular will entitle you to lifelong bragging rights.

“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Revenge 2.5” hit Tubi months ago and the dime store critics can’t get enough. The controversial film has been called everything from “a piece of shit” to “a piece of crap,” with one naysayer going so far as to write, “I’d rather sit in the hotel cuck chair as my grandparents have tantric sex than watch this movie again.”

With reviews like this, “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Revenge 2.5” is an absolute shoo-in for cult classic greatness. Just wait. In thirty or forty years this film will be as quotable as Austin Powers and as merchandisable as “The Gremlins.” In the year 2048, eBay bidding wars will break out over vintage Rudolph’s Revenge promotional tees, and you’ll be able to say to no one in particular, “I liked this movie before you did.”

Director, writer, producer, lighting specialist, sound engineer, gaffer, and lead actor for the movie, John Clauson, has the cult classic formula down to a science. He took a plot that could’ve been executed in 23 minutes and stretched it to a mind-boggling two hours and 24 minutes. Those complaining that the first 57 minutes of the movie are “so grainy it looks like you’re watching the movie through a sandstorm” merely have no appreciation for texture.

To those who say the dialogue is weak, I say your imagination is weak. To those who call the graphic slaughter of 26 actual reindeer “overkill,” I call it under-kill. To those who say throwing a random kung fu scene into the middle of the movie is “unnecessarily niche,” I say it’s a clear nod to the entropy of life.

If you thought the poop-eating scene in “Pink Flamingos” was a hard watch, just wait until the last 10 minutes of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Revenge 2.5.” It’s easily one of the most controversial scenes in modern cinema, or so I hear. I was unable to make it through the movie and left about halfway through.