PARAMUS, N.J. — Local man Mike Jarbowski finally decided to seek medical treatment for the twisted, demonic face growing out his back after weeks dealing…
SAN DIEGO — Aging millennial Tim Baxter announced that he fell in love with a girl at a much less expensive rock show after being…
Let’s get straight to the facts: strong, empowered women are incredible. From Kathleen Hannah to Michelle Obama to pretty much any roller derby player there…
Some say that I run a little hot-blooded, that I’m too quick to break a beer bottle over someone’s head before thinking things through. Those…
WASHINGTON — Viral TikTok sensation “Tariq the Corn Kid” shocked fans and political insiders alike after accepting a lucrative lobbying position on behalf of Agriculture…
Hey neighbor! Hope you don’t mind me popping by so late. Yes I’m aware it is two in the morning, but something has been bugging…
FORT MEYERS, Fla. — Conservative advocacy group Bring Back America’s Heroes petitioned Marvel to update their roster of heroes with a character who is openly…
PALM BEACH, Fla. –The Federal Bureau of Investigation recovered stacks of highly-classified nuclear weapons documents with “Hillary Clinton” written in childlike scrawls on them from…
Hey man, long time no see! I didn’t know you were invited to the after-party. Small world, huh? Did you happen to see — oh,…
As I stroll through this quaint suburban farmers market, I have this nagging feeling that something is missing. Sure there are plenty of requisite independent…
BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — The music scene was left reeling yesterday after a contingency of neoliberal punks suggested meeting Nazi punks halfway on a multitude of…
WASHINGTON — Abaddon the Destroyer, an immortal demon from the deepest depths of hell, begged an exorcist to free him from the body of the…
HAWKINS, Ind. — Local high school senior Jenny Dowd, currently trapped in the parallel universe of the Upside Down, opted to accept imminent death at…
PHILADELPHIA — Local punk Marcus “Moose” Crawford took time to celebrate on LinkedIn his six-year anniversary at “Unemployed,” acquaintances within his network confirmed. “I’m not…
BAYONNE, N.J. — Residents of local punk house The Dry Socket made the cost-cutting decision to switch to Kirkland Signature for household whippets after reevaluating…