WASHINGTON — The nation’s fans of progressive metal band Dream Theater stormed the Capitol after the price of Real Dolls, a brand of life-size sex dolls, was raised as a direct result of President Donald Trump’s tariffs, sources report.
“I’ve been tolerating Trump’s meddling with the economy, but this is too far,” fan Joe Reynolds wheezed as he struggled up the Capitol steps. “I can’t just stand idly by and allow for this injustice to occur. It’s time for Americans to stand up and fight back against this tyrannical government. I have been saving up for years to purchase my first Real Doll, and now I have to move it back because the price went up a hundred bucks. If he thinks he can push us around, he’s in for a rude awakening. It’s time for us Dream Theater fans to take this country back.”
Capitol police officer Mia Horwitz was on duty during the Capitol storming.
“While I don’t condone insurrections in any way, this one is so much easier to handle than the last one,” Horwitz said. “At least now I’m not getting bear maced and beaten with Thin Blue Line flags. These guys are all just kind of milling about and getting their skullets caught in each others’ eyeglasses. Only two of them have made it to the front of the actual building so far, and they look way too timid to break the glass and enter. They’re just looking at each other nervously and kind of tapping on it. One of them actually went to the front door and knocked on it like he was trying to enter a friend’s house. I almost felt sorry for him.”
Dream Theater vocalist James LaBrie was supportive of his fans’ actions.
“Dream Theater fans have been pushed around for far too long,” LaBrie offered. “Bullies like Donald Trump think they can get away with these types of abuses, so I am incredibly proud of my fans for finally stepping up and revolting against him. Hopefully in doing this, they can effect change and halt these intrusive price increases once and for all. Nothing, and I mean nothing, should come between a progressive rocker and his sex dolls, and he will rue the day he decided to cross us.”
At press time, the nation’s Tool fans had also decided to convene on the Capitol in a show of solidarity with the Dream Theater fans.