CHICAGO — Pregnant woman Janice Bonder found herself second-guessing her decision to bring new life into a world where popular metal band Metallica was still releasing new music, sources report.
“I actually just listened to their last album ‘72 Seasons’ and I’m growing really concerned,” Bonder confessed. “Is it morally right for me to bring a child into a world where this is almost guaranteed to happen again? I remember vowing to never procreate after hearing the appallingly titled ‘ManUNkind’ off ‘Hardwired…To Self-Destruct.’ I guess I just assumed they would eventually do the right thing and hang it up forever. Now it’s clear that they’ll never stop, and I’m so worried I’m making the wrong decision.”
Bonder’s friend Deirdre Phong didn’t think bringing a child into this world was the right thing to do at this time.
“Listen, if it was 1986, things would be different,” Phong opined. “Metallica had just released ‘Master of Puppets’ and we had no reason to doubt their ability to make great music. But that was decades ago, and Metallica is still going strong despite the fact that they haven’t released a good album since before the Cold War ended. I mean, ‘St. Anger’ was over 20 years ago, so it’s not like this is a new problem the world is experiencing. Janice knows all of this, and still she’s bringing some pitiful soul into this world to hear whatever godawful music they still have in store for all of us. At the very least, she could’ve chosen to adopt some poor kid who’s already been born into our Metallica-poisoned society. If you ask me, this is an incredibly reckless and inexcusable decision.”
Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich didn’t see the issue with his band’s music.
“Metallica has just entered the studio, so watch out,” Ulrich said. “I can confidently say this is the best material we’ve ever written, which is saying a lot considering how good ‘72 Seasons’ was. We just keep finding ways to make better music with each passing year. I know the world is a very dark place with everything going on right now, but metal fans can always count on new music from Metallica to be a rare ray of light. We might even announce another U.S. tour with Godsmack to make the release of the new album even better.”
At press time, Bonder was feeling better about her decision after remembering that it’s not possible for Metallica to do another collaboration with Lou Reed.