WASHINGTON — Local sex worker Jasmine Lawler is facing years behind bars after being labeled a domestic terrorist because she burst out in hysterical laughter when her client Elon Musk undressed in front of her, sources confirmed.
“I’ve known some other women that have kept him company and they have told me he’s usually an easy payday. They said he normally lasts less than a minute, but you have to sit there for a few hours while he tries out new jokes, talks about building his own child army, and yells at photos of his dad,” said Lawler from her prison cell. “But nobody warned me about how weird his penis actually is. It looked like a wad of bubblegum covered in fur. I honestly didn’t understand how it was actually going to get inside of me, I couldn’t help but laugh. That was my downfall, he called Trump right then and there and now I might spend the rest of my life locked up.”
Tesla CEO, and head of the Department of Government Efficiency, says this should be a warning to all his future sexual companions.
“Yep, so, um yep. You either um, get the brains like I have, or you get a large, uh, um, phallus. But listen, I refuse to be humiliated by this. All my future sexual partners will be required to applaud when they see my uh, um, penis. I’ll have my bodyguards watching their facial expressions and if they see any signs of disgust then the woman will be put straight in jail,” said Musk. “But there is also good news. Every week I’ll be giving away a million-dollar check to whichever sex worker cheers the hardest when they see my uh, um, cock. This will incentivize these women even more, and maybe one of them will be lucky enough to carry my seed.”
First Amendment experts fear what the Trump administration might do next.
“It’s well-known that every man in Trump’s orbit is only able to procure sex through transactional means. Sex workers in Washington D.C. report being busier than ever, but they also say they are self-medicating more in order to dissociate. But if these hardworking men and women are being locked up for involuntary laughter then anyone can be thrown in jail,” said James Saxton, a lawyer based in Virginia. “Hack comedians who call the president orange could face fines, people making fat J.D. Vance memes will be outlaws. Free speech as we know it is on the line.”
At press time, a Christian Nationalist group responsible for fire bombing multiple historically Black churches in the South were invited to the White House for a dinner celebrating the idea of patriotism.