WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump attended Ash Wednesday service at St. John’s Episcopal Church, Lafayette Square, where he reportedly asked the reverend performing the service why he was applying “black shit” to everyone’s forehead, confirmed sources.
“I love Ash Wednesday. Such a beautiful day of the week. As many know, I am a devout Christian and frankly the most religious President to ever hold the office, but I don’t understand why the reverend was drawing on everyone’s forehead with chimney soot. Maybe it’s a new thing they do,” Trump said. “I said, who am I, Bert from Mary Poppins? Remember Mary Poppins? You can watch it now on—they call it Disney Plus. I liked it better when it was called Netflix, but now they call it Disney Plus. Maybe they’ll change it back. Who knows.”
Witnesses claim the President’s confusion didn’t stop at the receiving of ashes.
“He thought the reverend was making a lowercase ‘t’ on everyone’s forehead for ‘Trump,’” said Sadie Wilkes, a congregation member at St. John’s. “When the reverend told him it was a cross he just said ‘oh’ and his face fell like a kid whose parents told him no more screen time. Trump immediately tried wiping it off after he said it was itchy. As a MAGA supporter and Christian, I’ll give him a pass.”
Reverend Robert W. Fisher confirmed the President was ignorant of the church’s Ash Wednesday ritual but quickly added that God loves all his children equally, even the “challenging ones.”
“I welcome President Trump’s curiosity,” said Reverend Fisher. “Any day I get to introduce someone to a facet of Christianity they’re not familiar with is a good day, as far as I’m concerned. That’s not to say that the service wasn’t a little bumpy. I could have done without Eric and Don Jr. making WOOSH noises and swinging around their palm leaves like lightsabers during my sermon, and, yes, I was taken aback when the President asked me to put some of the ashes in his Diet Coke so he would get ‘Jesus powers.’ But you know, love thy neighbor and whatnot.”
At press time, Trump asked the reverend if Easter will be in July or August this year.