SEATTLE — Local anarchist Tommy Greggors staunchly declined to answer a survey about his experience at OfficeMax, confirmed sources.
“I simply refuse to let the ruling class tell me what to do in the third largest office supply retailer in the country,” said Greggors as he tried but failed to unsubscribe to the store’s email distribution list. “Just because I had to buy more cyan and magenta cartridges for my color printer, doesn’t mean I want to willingly take part in the corporatocracy of America. Sure, Kevin did wonders helping me locate the exact HP ink I needed and I really do hope he gets that promotion he’s up for, so I just had to leave a glowing, 600-word Google review about his efforts. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to fill out a five-question survey. Go to Hell, OfficeMax.”
Friends of Greggors were getting a little tired of him taking stances against local retail stores.
“Tommy tries really hard to protest corporations, but the only things it’s damaging are his friendships,” said Jenn Plywater. “Last week he asked me to purchase a 50-inch television for him from Best Buy and he would reimburse me, all because he said he didn’t want to personally participate as a cog in the wheel of ‘late-stage capitalism.’ I don’t think he knows how capitalism works. That’s why I pocketed the money he gave me and instead supplied him with my 10-year-old, 26-inch Visio. He’ll never know the difference. Anarchists notoriously do not know how to use a ruler so he’ll never check the screen size.”
Experts did not seem to respect the anarchic movement.
“Anarchists are constantly putting their energy into things that won’t make progress on their agenda,” said political strategist Victoria Martin. “In theory, they’d like to eradicate institutions that seek to perpetuate authority and hierarchy. But in reality, they’d just like to see the iPad tip screen abolished. Also, If we want to take anarchists seriously they have to start holding political office. But unfortunately they’d have to buy a suit and dress shoes for that. If we know anything about anarchists, they hate Men’s Wearhouse.”
At press time, Greggors had no choice but to delete Instagram from his phone after a notification pop-up asked him, “Are you enjoying this app?”