OAKLAND, Calif. — Local thrash metal fan Zack Holloway reportedly plays doom metal records at 78 RPM in a desperate attempt to make them sound like his music genre of choice, sources confirmed.
“I can only assume this is how doom metal is supposed to be played,” said Holloway. “Sure, the vocalists sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks at this speed, but what do you do when you’ve burned through every thrash metal recording ever made—multiple times? You make thrash where you least expect it! When I initially put two and two together I rushed to Dino’s and bought every classic doom record they had. I got home, threw on ‘Epicus Doomicus Metallicus’ at the highest RPM possible, and it was like I’d uncovered a lost Artillery record…sort of. When I run out of doom metal records, I’ll be moving onto the entire shoegaze catalog.”
Brendan O’Neill, a local doom metal enthusiast and Holloway’s former roommate-turned-sworn enemy, is horrified by the experiment.
“Zach’s need for speed will be to his detriment,” O’Neill sneered. “It’s honestly offensive that he’s headbanging to ‘Born Too Late’ like it’s ‘Bonded by Blood.’ Those Christian freaks would call it sacrilegious, but I call it fucking pathetic. It doesn’t even sound like thrash! He’s just a close-minded prick. He cannot play musical God like this. I fucking hate that dude. I hope one of these doom records flies off his turntable and decapitates him. I know that sounds harsh, but thrash fans should really be guillotined for their crimes against humanity.”
Music journalist Christine Salazar isn’t surprised by Holloway’s experiment.
“People have been messing with music speed and structure for ages,” said Salazar. “The Velvet Underground and Frank Zappa were doing it in the ‘70s, DJ Screw in the ‘90s, and then you have nightcore and major labels releasing sped-up remixes. Some people prefer fast music and others like it slow as shit. And if you don’t like a particular genre, just alter it until you do. Bands love it when you change their sound to suit your personal preferences.”
At press time, Holloway took his obsession further, experimenting with playing grindcore records on a turntable with a 16 RPM setting.