WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump signed an executive order demanding Kid Vid be the sole member of the Burger King Kids Club, befuddled sources report.
“This will undo the damage caused by the Marxists and Radical Left thugs in the name of DEI,” Trump said while eating a Wendy’s Baconator. “Just last week a guy came up to me, a big, strong guy with tears in his eyes, asking me to do something about the discrimination fast food mascots are experiencing. These other members of the Burger King Kids Club were there solely because of the woke agenda of the Biden administration, and only by removing them can we truly claim that America is back. From now on, the decision to use a mascot will be based entirely on their ability to sell delicious cheeseburgers and Diet Cokes.”
Local 40-year-old and former member of Burger King Kids Club mailing list Tim Cassidy was absolutely shocked to hear of the President’s questionable actions.
“Is this club even still a thing?” Cassidy asked. “I had completely forgotten that even existed up until now. Honestly, I feel like there are more important things for President Trump to be worrying about. I’m pretty sure the war in Ukraine hasn’t ended yet, and prices at the grocery store are still pretty high. I don’t think ordering the white, blond guy to be the only remaining member of some defunct cartoon marketing campaign is going to address these issues.”
Constitutional expert LaTasha Miller provided her insight on the situation.
“To be perfectly frank, America is completely fucked at this point, so Trump might as well spend his efforts on this meaningless bullshit,” Miller said while throwing up her hands. “I would actually prefer he devote his time to things like this and renaming the Gulf of Mexico, because it’s less time he can spend causing irreparable harm to the Republic. Ever since he got elected, I’ve been saying the best possible scenario is him just playing golf on the taxpayer’s dime and occasionally making some idiot gesture on a culture war hot button so Fox News can relay it to the dipshits in his base. This one’s even more inane and absurd, because Burger King mascots definitely do not fall under the purview of the President.”
At press time, Trump was seen trying to determine whether Grimace was a minority after setting his sights on McDonaldland characters next.