CANTON, Mass. — Observers of the cover art of Dio’s 1983 debut masterpiece “Holy Diver” collectively agreed that the priest depicted being whipped by a giant demon probably deserved what was happening to him, sources report.
“Yeah, I emerged from Hell with a whole planned agenda to take over the world,” the demon offered. “I didn’t even have a set strategy of punishing members of the Catholic Church, but when I saw the clergyman I instinctively hit him with my whip. Normally, I have a pretty strict checklist to ensure people are wicked before torturing them, but come on. This is a priest we’re talking about. I don’t think an exhaustive background check is needed, and also, we’re close to Boston for Christ’s sake. Have you seen ‘Spotlight’? We can just presume the worst and not subject ourselves to a deep dive on this guy’s past.”
Artist Randy Berrett saw eye to eye with the demon.
“I’m going to have to agree with the demon in this picture,” Berrett said. “When I was contracted to create the cover for Dio’s debut, I was given loose instructions on what the band wanted to see. As soon as I heard they wanted a priest being persecuted, I figured no follow-up questions were necessary. I usually like to come up with an elaborate backstory for my work, but one glance at this man fruitlessly attempting to flee in terror while being assaulted by a towering demon is all the context the viewer needs here.”
Sociologist Jeewani Peiris provided her expertise on the art.
“Given the Catholic Church’s unbelievably corrupt and evil history, we can always just assume men of the cloth deserve the horrific fates they meet in metal music,” Peiris offered. “At face value, it may seem repetitive to show priests being tormented and killed in artwork and music videos, but do we really need a lesson on why they’re clearly the bad guys? I don’t even do case studies on the subject anymore because they would be completely superfluous. Is anybody watching, for instance, the music videos for ‘Hades Rising’ by Bloodbath or ‘Homage for Satan’ by Deicide and feeling bad for the preachers? It’s highly doubtful at this point.”
At press time, it was determined that the guy from the album cover for Slayer’s “Diabolus in Musica” probably deserved to be attacked as well, but no devil was brave enough to do it.