DULUTH, Minn. — Exasperated coworkers of punk Jimmy Alpin threatened to quit after watching his work ethic repeatedly be eclipsed by his drinking ethic, sources have confirmed.
“The day I say out loud that my passion in life is to process insurance claims is the day you can shoot me. This job is simply to fund my passion project, which is working up a tolerance to drink an entire bottle of Malört in one sitting. If I forget to email my boss about a super important account, it’s not like the sun won’t rise the next day,” said Alpin. “I put a lot of effort into getting my BAC into that sweet spot in order to make this job tolerable, so I don’t appreciate HR’s comments about my priorities being misplaced. Maybe they’re still mad about all those shooters I strategically hid in all the office plants.”
Alpin’s coworkers were growing tired of him placing casual drinking over one solid day of work.
“Jimmy is a nice enough guy but being his desk neighbor is absolute hell. We constantly have to carry his workload because he’s too busy planning the office happy hour guest list with the intensity of a high stakes day trader. I’m doing both our jobs and believe me, I fucking wish I could be sauced right now,” said Craig Abramowitz. “I have no idea how he keeps getting away with it! Four times now he’s gotten drunk at lunch and was reimbursed for it being a business expense. If I wasn’t getting home at 8 pm every night from picking up his slack, his commitment would be impressive.
Human resources noted that Alpin was not the only one who was putting their personal lives above work.
“Well this is partially our fault, because right after we ended the ability to work from home many of our employees came back to the office with some extra ‘skills.’ Jimmy is now one of many professional drinkers here, but it’s not as bad as the IT department starting a ska band. They hold daily practices in the break room and it’s impossible to relax,” said Senior HR Coordinator Janey Lewis. “Plus, I think Jimmy and some others are secretly selling our office furniture on the side. I could’ve sworn we had more desks in here.”
As of press time, Alpin received a promotion after impressively outdrinking the entire executive board at a company retreat.