EAST PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local man Kevin Wright announced plans to leave all of his worldly possessions to his best friend should he die, according to relieved members of their friend group who dodged that bullet.
“I guess I’m supposed to feel honored?” said Steven Coehlo, Wright’s beneficiary. “But I know what kind of stuff he has and I don’t have any interest. I’m stressing out thinking about having to donate, sell or throw away all of his dumb garbage. He does have a decent record collection—or did, rather, before his cat pissed all over them. There is a chance I’ll be able to avoid the whole situation by dying before he does. I’m not going to burden anyone with my stuff, though. My will says to flush my ashes and throw all my shit in a dumpster.”
Wright believes he is doing Coehlo a favor by bequeathing his “assets” to his friend.
“I think about death a lot due to living what some might call a reckless lifestyle,” said Wright while casket-shopping online. “It was a no-brainer that Steven should be the curator of my valuables when I pass. My biggest asset is probably my huge collection of VHS movies, many of which I taped off of TV myself. Also, I have the complete run of Cracked magazine from 1986 to 1991. My hope is he’ll dedicate a room or two in his house to showcasing my memorabilia as a kind of shrine. Though if he falls on hard times I have left instructions for which items he’d be permitted to sell.”
Pawn shop owner Glenn Crenshaw says people tend to vastly overestimate the value of their possessions.
“Millennials and Gen Xers come in my store with stacks of ‘90s comic books or boxes of CDs expecting a big payday,” said Crenshaw. “Then I have to tell them that it’s all basically garbage. I feel sorry for them, really. They were misled by Boomer parents who thought all their shit was going to be worth something. You know the glass cabinets full of ‘fancy china’ that Boomers treat like a Smithsonian exhibit? That’s all worthless. I’m bracing myself for the upcoming flood of Trump-branded crap coming in here that dipshits thought would increase in value.”
At press time, Wright rented a storage unit in which to keep his growing collection of Funko Pops.