NEW YORK — The New York City Police Department unveiled a new AI surveillance program that promised to help them arrest the wrong guy 70% faster, law enforcement official sources confirmed.
“Crime sure feels like it’s at an all-time high, and that’s why the NYPD is proud to introduce our revolutionary new ‘AI in the Sky’ surveillance program that is guaranteed to get somebody—anybody—behind bars in under 24 hours,” said NYPD Chief Lou Maddrey, visibly struggling to keep Mayor Adams from taking the microphone during his press conference. “With the time that AI will save us on pesky detective work, we’ll be able to allocate twice as many officers to perp walk shackled fare evaders. We’re confident that this incredible technology will be instrumental in justifying why we need our budget to increase to $10 billion next year.”
New York City resident Terrell Jones was reportedly impressed with how quickly he was arrested after the AI tool pinpointed him, despite the fact that he did not actually commit the crime.
“I thought it would be impossible for me to have mugged that lady in Central Park since I was on a flight back to NYC from Toronto when it happened, but with the groundbreaking power of artificial intelligence it turns out I’m actually guilty—is there anything AI can’t do?” said Jones. “I’m on the flight manifest and everything, but if AI said I did it then I guess it must have been me. I hope my lawyer knows some good prompts to ask ChatGPT for a criminal defense strategy!”
Senior AI Engineer Thomas Paulson explained how the “AI in the Sky” program could pinpoint a suspect for any crime in just seconds.
“First, our proprietary algorithm searches the probability matrix and cross-references billions of facial recognition results within the quantum nexus. Then through the magic of AI, our program selects someone at random, and voila! There’s your suspect,” said Paulson, demonstrating the surveillance tool. “With a 100% arrest rate using our program, we can confidently say that AI will be the future of police work. Now we’ve heard some worrywarts describe our use of AI-surveillance to pinpoint suspected criminals with words like ‘unfriendly’ and ‘techno-fascist police state’ so that’s why it comes with a charming avatar of an eagle named Ian wearing a police hat to make your AI-powered arrest feel more fun and personalized.”
At press time, Paulson was arrested after the AI pinpointed him as the culprit for JFK’s assassination, despite not being born until 1985.