Get ready for a truth bomb. I keep hearing about this new bullshit epidemic known as “male loneliness” and it makes me so mad, I wanna make a new friend out of spite. I’ve got good news for you, bros: you’re never alone! Technically, that is. Think about how many insects surround you at all times. Oh, and did you completely forget about the spirit realm? Thought so!
Think about how badass bugs are. They can bench like four times their weight. I think? Roaches can survive any doomsday scenario. You want to learn from cockroaches, my dude. Tenacious. Confident. Relentless. I study cockroaches to help me get better at approaching women in public.
You know how many bugs are around you right now? On the floor, on your skin. They’re inside you, bro. That’s hot. I let bugs crawl in my ears as an endurance test. That’s right, I can take it! Sometimes the comforting hum of all the insects in the world is enough to keep me going with the hustle, the sweat, the grind. I’m not crying, I’m totally fine.
I don’t know if you fuck with ghosts, but I had a wild Ouija board experience that changed things for me. Yeah, I was playing alone. What’s wrong with that? That shit is real. My ancestors are real. You wanna fight my ancestors? I didn’t think so!
Especially if you’re on the East Coast or in the South, those regions are littered with ghosts. I’m talking poltergeists in an eternal loop, blubbering on like some whiny beta. You are truly never alone with the spirit world, populated by floating pussy subs that won’t even make contact despite my debate abilities honed on Reddit.
How could you forget about ghosts and bugs, bro? There’s a whole world outside your narcissist pedestrian brain. Wake up, cut loose from society, man. This whole “male loneliness epidemic” is a myth propagated by dating apps. It’s a lie our woke culture has forced on us. Real men are fine being completely alone. I don’t miss my friends. I’ve got this! Who cares if I can’t find a roommate? Who needs a date past the first? Not me!
If you want to talk more about this, I’m super easy to contact. Feel free to reach out to me. Any time. Seriously, would love to chat. Not that I’m lonely! I’m surrounded by hundreds of spectral friends and creepy-crawly homies. I’m actually more popular than ever. I’m 100% fine, bro.