TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Former Florida representative Matt Gaetz informed his girlfriend Valentina he will be able to go to her 15th birthday party after ending his bid for Attorney General, sources who attend Rickards High School confirm.
“Of course I’m disappointed I won’t get to be Attorney General and mete out legal punishments according to President Trump’s every vindictive whim,” said Gaetz as he shopped for a tuxedo for the upcoming event. “But the confirmation process was becoming too disruptive for my family—by which I mean myself and Nestor, my sort-of-adopted adult son. In any case, now that I’m out of Congress and not getting the AG job, the silver lining is that I have the time to go to Valentina’s quinceañera. She’s not my girlfriend of course, that’s silly. She’s just a good, good friend who also happens to be a teenage girl.”
Valentina’s parents had hoped Gaetz would get the nomination and leave their daughter alone.
“He’s a smooth-talker who would shower our family with gifts,” said Valentina’s father Luis. “I thought he was trying to set up his ‘son’ with my daughter, but I soon realized his intentions were more sinister. I hoped he would get this new job and fuck off for Washington. We’ve done everything we can to keep him away, but he’s very persistent. We don’t plan on letting him into the party. I’ve got some cousins coming in from Miami who are strapped and won’t take any shit from that Joker-looking pendejo.”
Conservative podcaster Daniel Ghent claims Gaetz is a victim of a leftist witch hunt.
“I’ve known Matt for years. He’s a standup guy,” said Ghent while working on a display of German military memorabilia for his studio. “The communists in the fake news media only targeted him because they were threatened by a strong, attractive Alpha male who didn’t take shit from anybody. And because of their smear-campaign, we’re not going to have him as AG. The Deep State has tried to take down Trump for a decade and couldn’t, so now they’re going after his buddies. The good news is Matt invited me on a trip to Thailand soon, which will be fun.”
At press time, Gaetz had reportedly created a Reddit post asking how to make Venmo payments private.