GREENTOWN, Ind. — Local metalhead and harvester Jonas Fitzgerald says this year’s sorrow yield is the highest in decades, according to sources with inside knowledge of the situation.
“Oh, it’s a really good crop this year, real good,” said Fitzgerald while blasting Immortal from the inside of his brand new combine harvester. “I’d credit all this sorrow to the US elections, climate change, droughts, wildfires, floods, impending world war, rampant toxic masculinity, an unstable housing market, corrupt Supreme Court, sky-high grocery prices, post-pandemic profiteering, record-breaking CEO salaries, lack of health care, Project 2025, gas prices, diminishing women’s rights, unchecked transphobia, racism, crumbling infrastructures, gerrymandering, education cuts, DNC impotence, spending any amount of time on your X account, reading YouTube comments, and the death of Richard Simmons.”
Glen Park, manager of Park’s Farm Supply and Feed store, says he’s doing all he can to keep up with demand.
“I’ve never sold this many silos in one harvest season,” claimed Park as he snapped his suspenders. “Greentown will look like New York City if I have to keep building this many silos to store all the sorrow. It’s a good problem to have, I suppose, as years of optimism meant smaller and smaller harvests. You’re hard-pressed to find anyone optimistic about anything these days, though, unless they’re a complete moron that lives underneath a rock and has never heard ‘…And Justice for All.’”
Economic expert Joshua Timberbrandt predicts that this is only the beginning.
“Exploiting vulnerable populations is more profitable than it’s ever been,” said Timberbrandt while moving money to off-shore bank accounts. “Pressing my thumb down on the most at-risk segments of the population has made me rich beyond my wildest dreams, and I’m the son of a billionaire. The trick is to make people more desperate so they have no choice but to keep paying more and more for less and less. Give them a million things to worry about and they’ll never be able to focus on any one issue long enough to try and change things. And now that ol’ Donny is back in office, I only expect things to get better. For people like me, that is.”
At press time, Fitzgerald was seen mowing portions of his corn field using nothing but the sharp edges of a B.C. Rich Warlock.