Look, I’m not really a religious or spiritual person but I’ve been around the block long enough to know that if Green Day’s “Good Riddance” starts playing every time you see your uncle, something is definitely up.
It’s all very strange. The opening strummed chords will start to play, seemingly out of the ether, and without fail my Uncle Scott walks into the room all slow-like. The song will play to completion as he stares meaningfully at various people in the room, offering a series of reluctant, pained smiles during perceived conversation. And if I’m in the room with him for longer than two and a half minutes, the song will simply start over again.
What’s annoying is that no one else seems to hear the song. So I don’t know if that means I’m the chosen one who’s supposed to save my Uncle Scott or what? Is “Good Riddance” a warning or just like, something you have to accept? I asked him if he’s been to the doctor recently and he said “Oh yes.” Am I supposed to ask him more questions about his doctor’s appointment? The “Oh” makes it so cryptic! I honestly don’t have time for any this.
I’ve actually been going out of my way to avoid him. I purposefully blew off my niece’s confirmation party because of this and now I’m in trouble with my sister. This whole thing sucks! Maybe he’s not dying? Could he be like, moving to California to win back some girl? Or graduating high school? None of it makes sense, he has to be dying!
The song is getting louder too. Does that mean he’s running out of time? This shit has been going on for over a year now! How much louder is it going to get? I tried to confront him about all this head-on at my dad’s Corvette unveiling, but I just inadvertently ended up shouting at him about the final episode of Seinfeld. I think he was doing a Kramer impression but I couldn’t hear shit. When the goddamned violin solo cut in it was so loud that I had to run off into the kitchen and eat handfuls of crudité to calm my nerves.
I know this is terrible but it would honestly be a big relief if he just died. Nothing crazy! In his sleep, peaceful. Something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right. Oh god…I think Green Day wants me to kill my uncle.