NEW YORK — Vice Presidential candidate Tim Walz recently revealed that he has been practicing for the debate with J.D. Vance by competing against a chatbot trained on your uncle’s unhinged right-wing social media posts.
“We’ve all got those conspiracy-brained uncles and weird relatives that we’ll dread feeling obligated to split the turkey with next month,” Walz remarked to some of the pre-debate press. “J.D. Vance is basically Peter Thiel’s cyborg clone composite of the ultimate weird uncle. JD-GPT doesn’t understand basic social moves, Minnesota niceties, cultural sensitivities, or how to say anything with the slightest hint of human heart or sincerity. But neither does the real deal, flesh-and-blood J.D.! I’ve been playing this machine harder than my goddamn Dreamcast. Reminds me, it’s been collecting dust, oughta boot up Shenmue sometime.”
Your uncle offered his two cents on such a technology, and he appeared to express mixed feelings.
“My kids, nephews, and nieces are too afraid of the truth to return my phone calls. If an AI bot wants to take its talk from me, least that’s someone who wants to hear about childless cat chow, or the radical left’s plans to give everybody healthcare,” said your enraged uncle while forking over $490 to Donald Trump’s campaign fund. “All this shows me is that Tampon Tim is some sort of foreign communist hacker. If he actually cared about American jobs he would have hired me or my friends to debate him, but he knows he couldn’t match wits with us. He would rather have a robot steal work from us.”
Trump’s running mate and frequent subject of mockery J.D. Vance dismissed Walz’s methodology.
“Look, if they have to create a bot to recreate the stories that I create out of thin air, so be it,” Vance said. “But a bot can’t sow its oats. A bot can’t write a forgettable memoir to be adapted into a forgettable Netflix movie. A chatbot can’t nail the impeccable comedic timing required to improvise jokes about racist soda, or exhibit the bare minimum social competency required to order donuts. And most importantly, a bot can’t platform a rumor about immigrants that spurs bomb threats for days.”
As of press time, no one has laughed at Vance’s “jokes,” and no weird stains have been identified on any furniture items in the broadcast center.