HADDONFIELD, Ill. — The National Rifle Association rushed to Michael Myers’ defense today after the famed “Halloween” slasher started killing his victims with an AR-15 rather than his trademark butcher knife, sources confirmed.
“Whether you’re a hardworking farmer defending your land, or a hulking, relentless stalker hellbent on eviscerating horny small-town youths, every American should be able to exercise their constitutional second amendment right to defend themselves from teenage babysitters,” said NRA spokesperson Ron Walton, speaking to a crowd filled with “We Support Michael Myers” picket signs. “If we let the government strip the right to bear arms from every alleged supernatural killer, who’s to say they won’t come for your guns next? If you’re worried about a horror icon killing your entire family, we suggest you do the responsible thing and arm the local teenagers when they babysit your children.”
US Representative Marjorie Taylor-Greene applauded Myers for “defending the 2nd amendment rights of all Americans.”
“It’s despicable that the woke left wants to strip Mr. Myers of his constitutional right to defend himself when he was just minding his own business when his assailant burst from a closet and stabbed him in the eye with a coat hanger,” said Taylor-Greene, gesturing wildly with a gun in each hand. “Well maybe if he had access to a firearm at the time rather than some flimsy knife he wouldn’t have fallen from that second story window. As far as I’m concerned, Myers is an American hero for standing up to the woke mob trying to hunt him down for no reason other than exercising our God-granted freedoms.”
Longtime Myers’ target Laurie Strode was incredulous that after decades of being stalked by her serial killer sibling, he had become idolized by conservatives for his new pro-gun stance.
“Let me get this straight—Michael Myers has been trying to kill me with a knife for forty years, but the minute he picks up a gun he’s a national hero to half the country?” said Strode, watching on TV as Myers makes an appearance at a right-wing rally. “They’re already talking about him running as a Republican candidate for Congress. I guess the only ‘qualification’ you need to run for office these days is to have a pulse as long as you’re pro-gun and anti-woman.”
At press time, it was confirmed that silently standing at a counter to purchase a gun while breathing heavily was a sufficient background check in most US states.