They say when you come for the king you better not miss. Fortunately for Donald Trump so far all of the former supporters who have taken a shot at him seemingly never got the memo. Unfortunately for Trump, the election is immediately preceded by October, the spooky season, when film franchise monsters roam the earth. You don’t get eight sequels by missing a bunch.
Trump’s only hope is The Secret Service, and they’ve been on high alert ever since the whole “caught red-handed not doing their job” thing. But will the Secret Service be enough to stop dissatisfied horror-icon voters from making the former president their latest victim? We’ve compiled a list of horror’s most accomplished killers and ranked them by their chances of getting past Trump’s security detail and taking him out.
Oh, and for any of you satanic conspiracy people out there who will take this thing seriously, we did 66 of these, so, there’s a freebie to get you started.
66. Pinhead
You seriously think Trump is smart enough to open that damned box?
65. Chef Julian Slowik
We all know Trump eats exclusively at McDonald’s to avoid servers spitting in his food or murdering him as part of a high-concept revenge art piece.
64. Billy Lenz from “Black Christmas”
He’s already IN THE HOUSE! Unfortunately for Billy, the house in question here is The White House which Trump is unlikely to ever see again.
63. The “It Follows” Ghost
We’re pretty sure the ghost isn’t spread by pissing on people, which is the closest thing to sex Trump does anymore.
62. Henry
Not exactly a finesse guy. Henry raises way too many red flags on sight to get anywhere near Trump.
61. The Wolfman
It would be quite the twist of fate for Trump to be eaten by a half-dog right now, but even he isn’t dumb enough to go golfing at Mar-a-Lago on the night of a full moon. He’s heard the legends.
60. Jack Torrence
He wouldn’t make it within a thousand yards, It’s a miracle he even came so close to murdering his family. He’s clearly insane and murderous in the first 5 minutes of that movie, why the hell would anyone lock themselves in a mountain hotel with that guy? It’s the ’80s lady, get divorced!
59. The Phantom of the Opera
Trump isn’t big on the arts. You sure you don’t want to be “The Phantom of the Mar-a-Lago Bronzer/Steam Room/Tug-off Parlor?”
58. Annabelle
The only toy Trump would ever allow anywhere near his presence is Kamabla, the sled that brought him joy as a child.
57. The Tall Man
Nope. Too tall.
56. The Firefly Family
Impossible, they’re all still in prison for storming the capitol on January 6th.
55. Daddy from “The People Under The Stairs”
As a fellow slum lord and gun advocate Daddy and Trump would get on like gangbusters. He could get close to the former president but would probably like him too much to kill him and would probably end up donating to his campaign.
54. Sam from “Trick ‘R Treat”
He’s got the same chances of getting close to the former president as any other tricker-treater—absolutely zero. “No handouts!”
53. The Mummy
Trump wouldn’t be caught dead anywhere near The Mummy’s tomb without his two top associates, the late great Abbot and Costello.
52. Leatherface
He’s not exactly hard to spot. Even if the Secret Service wanted to botch the job, there’s no way they could plausibly make the case that they simply didn’t see a giant man in a human skin mask barreling toward the former president with a chainsaw.
51. The Driller Killer from “The Slumber Party Massacre”
The drill is clearly a metaphor for his penis, and we don’t care what your sexual orientation is, no penis has ever been hard for Donald Trump except his own.
50. C.H.U.Ds
Trump is the guy who evicted them down to the New York sewer system in the first place, so we have motive. Unfortunately for them, the Secret Service routinely inspects the sewer system on Trump’s orders. He wants to make a “big deal” with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
49. Freddy Krueger
You might think the bastard son of 100 maniacs has the best shot at getting past the Secret Service as he would be striking Trump where they cannot protect him—in his dreams. Unfortunately for Freddy, Trump’s sleep apnea and steady diet of Adderall prevent him from ever hitting REM sleep, all at the low cost of his own sanity and reason. Guess you’ll have to settle for Vance, bitch!
48. Norman Bates
Trump has a word for guys who spend as much time with their mothers as Norman Bates, and though he’s just smart enough not to say it into a hot microphone. He does typically keep his distance from “confirmed bachelors.”
47. Irving Wallace from “Stage Fright”
Trump isn’t really a theater guy.
46. Bill from “Intruder”
As a murderous small business owner, Bill is no stranger to Trump rallies, which is why his chances are low. The Secret Service has learned that it’s Trump’s key demographic they need to watch out for the most.
45. Jigsaw
The “Saw” franchise killer would shoot himself out of frustration after a few hours of trying to explain the rules of his DIY murder-escape room to Trump.
44. Pennywise
Like RFK, Pennywise once had Trump in his crosshairs, but he dropped out of the attempted assassination and endorsed him in exchange for a cabinet position. Honestly, he’ll be a better secretary of education than whoever Trump had picked out before.
43. Ghostface
It’s unlikely, but technically Ghostface could be anybody, so there’s always the off-chance that Trump has a secret long-lost brother or jilted lover or something or other that joined the Secret Service just for the opportunity to “play a game” with the former commander in chief. Everyone is a suspect, but Trump should be on the lookout for his most attractive and unassuming security guard.
42. The Butcher from “Freaky”
If he’s in his original body his chances of getting to Trump are slim, but if we’re talking post-swap, well, never underestimate an attractive blonde teenager’s ability to make “friends” with Republican leaders.
41. Cropsy
He could get close posed as a landscaper, but at this point, the Secret Service can spot a Trump employee with garden shears who’s simply had enough from a mile away—they neutralize half a dozen a week.
40. Mr. Ulman from “House of the Devil”
Trump is unlikely to respond to an ad seeking an overnight babysitter, but the job he’s currently seeking is unlikely to work out, so maybe?
39. The Killbots from “Chopping Mall”
Eh, he might mistake them for golf carts.
38. The Predator
Considering the Predator took out Dutch’s entire team, the Secret Service would offer him little resistance, but Trump himself may prove to be more of a challenge. Between his layers of bronzer, advanced age, and slow-beating McDonald’s-addled heart, Trump doesn’t give off enough body heat for the Predator to actually see him. He might as well be caked in mud 24/7.
37. Dr. Phibes
He could pull it off, but he’s unlikely to. The good/abominable doctor prefers victims with the mental capacity to appreciate his pageantry before their demise. Sometimes someone is so dumb and annoying you can’t even murder them.
36. Vincent Smith from “Motel Hell”
On the surface farmer Vincent is the exact sort of man Trump wants to be seen with—a salt-of-the-earth midwestern successful small business owner—so security won’t be an issue. And, while Vincent agrees with Trump on the issues, once he gets a gander at the former president up-close and realizes how marbelized his meat must be, he won’t be able to help himself. He’ll knock him out, cut out his vocal cords, and plant him with his “special” crops.
35. Damien
He actually sees Trump all the time, but Trump calls the kid “Baron” and he won’t kill Trump so long as Trump is useful.
34. Pearl
In her prime, she might have had a shot, but the first thing the Secret Service does when securing a premises for Trump’s arrival is round up every woman over 40 and bring them somewhere he can’t see them. Maxine on the other hand, well, we like her chances a lot.
33. Leslie Vernon
We’ve seen how hard the man trains, and there’s no doubt he’s got the skills, but the motivation? Not so much. Leslie chooses to embody pure evil so that the ultimate good will rise to stop him. At most, he probably views Trump as a competitor.
32. The Creature From the Black Lagoon
He’s in the middle of the list because anyone who spends as much time in Florida as Donald Trump has a 50% chance of being murdered by a creature of the Black Lagoon.
31. Xenomorph
It’s time we as a nation set aside our differences and acknowledge that watching a baby Xenomorph bursting out of Trump’s chest on live television would look sick as hell.
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