WASHINGTON — Ohio senator and vice presidential hopeful J.D. Vance is enjoying a high favorability rating from men who misconstrue the routine fulfillment of job duties by bartenders for flirting, according to a recent independent poll.
“J.D. Vance? Oh yeah, he’s great,” reported bar patron Robert Carruthers. “I love what he’s said about childless women wanting everyone to be miserable because they’re in fact miserable themselves. I actually mentioned that to the bartender a few minutes ago, hoping that she would understand how much more fulfilled she would be if she settled down and started a family with a nice guy like me. She glanced at me and asked if I needed another Miller Lite, so she’s definitely interested. She’ll have to get rid of that septum piercing, though. I’ll have to make that her first wifely duty.”
Vance himself was overjoyed to hear of his popularity amongst this subpopulation.
“This is yet another victory in the fantastic run we’ve been having towards making me the next vice president,” the senator said. “While I don’t support women in the workplace I do know it’s common knowledge that a bartender smiling at you and asking what you want to drink is a clear sign that she’s got the hots for you romantically, and if she makes polite small-talk with you about the weather, you might as well marry her on the spot and turn her into an honest woman. I’m not at all surprised that the men in this country who are smart enough to understand this also know that I’m much better suited for the job than Tim Walz. Obviously, we’ve all seen that he has absolutely zero political draw compared to me.”
Political strategist Isabel Rivera was confused about Vance’s takeaway from these findings.
“This shouldn’t even need to be said, but having an avid following of socially backward rejects who view women as babymaking machines is not a recommended campaign strategy,” Rivera remarked. “Given comments that Vance has both made and doubled-down on, I’m not surprised, but at some point he’s going to have to use rhetoric that’s at least slightly less repugnant and pathetic if he wants to expand his appeal. He can’t ride the coattails of the literal cult his running mate started forever.”
At press time, the Vance campaign was celebrating a new poll showing his favorability among grown men who become incensed at the nationalities of characters in children’s movies.