TOPEKA, Kan. – Local boring millennial Harley Shun admitted that he is horribly embarrassed by his drunken antics which made him enjoyable to be around for the first time in nearly 15 years, hungover sources report.
“Oh man, I crushed so many drinks and had such a great time last night, it was so mortifying,” said the ashamed party animal. “I have almost no memory of what happened. I showed up to the party and ripped four shots and everybody thought I was a great hang. It hurts to even think about how cool I was last night. Then apparently I downed a boot of beer and did The Humpty Dance on the table like a total badass while everyone chanted my name. I’m cringing right now thinking about how each person at that party now thinks of me as that drunk idiot who rules and parties hard. I promise that isn’t me!”
An attendant of the party attested to how wildly crunk and disorderly Shun was.
“Harley was raging like an absolute maniac,” explained Shun’s ride and friend Freddie Priat. “Normally Harley is a total square, you can ask them any Excel hotkey and they know it off the top of their head. But last night. Wow. It was a virtuoso party performance. At one point he was smoking 15 cigarettes because people kept handing him more, and it was a hit. I hope I always remain the same boring asshole so I don’t end up beloved and cool like Harley is. The moment where they jumped over the beer pong table to block a shot, and everyone hoisted them up on their shoulders, so unlike them. I think Harley has a serious problem with being awesome.”
Leading experts on partying subcultures say that this is not only embarrassing, but dangerous.
“There’s a lot of risks from binge-drinking and becoming the life of the party,” said NYU sociologist David Smith. “Drinking four or more drinks an hour can lead to liver disease, brain damage, and absolutely crushing pussy or smashing wang. Studies also have shown that drinking to the point of insensibility, also known as ‘blacking out,’ might result in making lifelong friends that you have to awkwardly call every few months. They’ll say you’re an absolute legend, but you’ll have to explain that you actually kind of suck when you’re not twelve brewskis deep.”
At press time, Shun was going out to a party and promising themselves they would only smoke weed and become a competent conversationalist.