Hello, my name is J.D. Vance, and I am running for Vice President of these United States, but that’s not what I’m here to talk about today. Today, I want to talk to you about couches. Can I say that word? Couches? Is that offensive now? Has that been cancelled yet? I bet it has. Good grief. Anyway, I’m here to talk to you about couches. Wait, I already said that. HAHAHAHAHA! I love you guys. Anyway, I’m here to talk about couches.
I may come from humble beginnings but what’s the point of pulling yourself up from your bootstraps if you’re not going to enjoy, and I mean REALLY enjoy, the finer things in life? And is there any finer thing than a sofa? The answer is of course no, not on God’s green earth, sofas are everything, sofas are the reason we get up in the morning, sofas are why we maintain society to begin with.
2024 was a big year for couches. There are a lot of plushy new options on the market right now, and brother, I’ve had them all. I’ll say that again—I, J.D. Vance, have HAD them. All. I realize that not every American can afford to have their way with all 20 of the top luxury couches available today. That’s why I’ve gone ahead and ranked them, so that lower income families who can only get their fuck on with 3 or 4 luxury couches per year can make more informed choices. This is just some of what I can do.
20. Design Within Reach Nelson Marshmallow Sofa, $5,285
I mean, is this thing even a couch? Way to go Design Within Reach, you got so hung up on wondering if you COULD build a couch out of stools you never stopped to ask yourself “Where do you put the penis?!” Zero stars, an abomination, destroy it.
19. Eames Eames Sofa, $12,485
Here we go, another pretentious uggo fuckless wonder. It’s almost like Eames built this thing without fucking in mind at all. I don’t know what this growing trend in high end couch making is all about but these guys are trying to do to couch fucking what pantyhose did for finger banging and J.D. no likey! Awfully high price point for a couch with nowhere to park your hog.
18. Pasargad Home Vicenza Tufted Sofa, $2,075
Meh. Fuckable in an emergency, but its only available in hot pink. I have some serious moral reservations about nutting off in a couch so clearly in support of the gay agenda. If they offered an Oppenheimer variant I might rank it higher, but you reap what you sow Pasargad, and what you’ve sown is a couch that yes, makes Papa Vance cum, but also triggers my homophobia.
17. France & Son Terrazza Sofa, $3000
There’s nothing worse than an unfuckable couch (what’s the point?!) but personally, I don’t like my loungers to be too fuckable either. Look at this slut. All those folds and points of entry. She’s just too damn thirsty! If you’re the sort of couch fucker whose into the whole group thing maybe this one is for you but me? I’m a Christian.
16. Eternity Modern Little Sherpa Loveseat. $2,599
Love seat indeed! Now, the obvious drawback here is no creases, so you can’t, excuse my language, “fuck” this couch, per se, but dang, that sheepskin is FOINE. You’re limited to just heavy petting, sure, but with enough tenacity, you can make it happen. Take it from me, the guy who had to throw away a fully cum encrusted sheepskin loveseat and wants to be your next Vice President.
15. Sundays Wind Down 4-Piece Modular Sectional, $6,580
Spacious, a solid line of entry throughout in case you get bored with one spot (I get bored easily) and stain proof which you would THINK would be a huge selling point. Well, I don’t know what they use for couch stain proofing, but it chafes like a motherfucker. If you’re a minute man this might be a solid pick but your boy J.D. likes to wine, dine, and take his time when it comes to having sexual intercourse with furniture.
14. Audo Copenhagen Tearoom Sofa, $5,470
Okay, not the most fuckable couch in the world, but like, that’s kinda what makes it hot? She’s like a stuffy librarian, you just want her to take off those glasses and let her hair down. I don’t know, maybe I was in a weird mood when I tried her out but the psycho-sexual dynamic I established with this couch was intensely arousing.
13. Urban Outfitters Matilda Velvet Bean Bag Sofa, $549
Woooo lordy! We’re talking a serious brick shithouse right here! Bay thicc, and at $549 she’s cheap and dirty, and lets be honest, that’s what hits the spot now and then. A fun ride, but you don’t wanna get caught riding her fellas! Not like a lot of the other couches on this list, which you can be proud to get caught fucking.
12. Matthew Izzo Conrad Lounge Sofa, $2,898
This one’s no cheap date. The Matthew Izzo Conrad Lounge Sofa is sophisticated, complicated, a challenge to have sex with for sure but for those willing to take the time and put in the effort the rewards are well worth it. Simply divine.
11. Anthropologie Cecilia Willoughby Two-Cushion Sofa, $2,698
One thrust into either one of these two coastal design luxury cushions will instantly transport you to boyhood summers on the Cape. A fine couch to have sex with.
10. BluDot Sunday 65″ Armless Sofa, $2, 860
This stripped down design offers a zen like tranquility to your couch fuck sessions that can really help you find your center. I’m J.D. Vance, and I would like to be your next Vice President.
9. Andreas Engesvik The Tiki Sofa, $5,455
Not much for a dry run, but take it from ole J.D, you lube her up good she’ll treat you right 😎💦.
8. Hay Arbour 2-Seat Sofa, $3,146
A fine, well built, unpretentious fuck couch. Several points of entry, all worth mounting, but I recommend kneeling up on her dead center and pounding away while watching Progressive Insurance commercials on your phone for best results.
7. Homebody The Couch, $3,740
Not exactly re-inventing the wheel, or should I say the couch you have sex with because human women intimidate you, but a fine fuck couch perfect for the office or wherever you do your day-to-day meat-and-potatoes couch fuckin.
6. Article Sven Grass Green Sofa, $1,499
Something about this couch kinda reminds us of a grandma, but not like any old grandma, like a GILF. Hits nice when the mood is right?
5. John Mascheroni Chrome Sofa, $6,500
A nice sleek retro design, the kind of couch you can imagine Don Draper having sex with.
4. Rove Concepts Belia Open End Sofa
Whenever someone tries to tell me you’re not supposed to have sex with a couch, I show them a picture of Belia here. If God didn’t want us to be hitting that, he wouldn’t have given her all those curves! Just as sure as childless adults are sociopathic monsters, you’re going to have a great time fucking this couch.
3. Anthropologie Judarn Asymmetrical Serpentine Sofa, $3,998
Why is it called a “Serpentine Sofa?” Because as the snake was to Eve in the garden, this baby is tempting! Go ahead and TRY not having sex with this bad boy, you won’t last 5 minutes I promise you. It’s sleek shape, high quality material and lovely floral design will make you feel like you’re having sex with a magical forest.
2. Sarah Ellison Muse Sofa, $2,446
This one really blew me away, pun intended! See, your boy J.D. is smart, he’s got jokes, haha 😎🤘. Seriously though, what an experience. This thing has like totally changed my perspective on what sex between a man and a couch (being the only form of sex besides that between a man and a woman for the purpose of procreation our lord allows) can be. You’re not just humping away at a sofa here boys, you’re making love to a piece of art. Take. it. in. And then get in it!
1. Crate&Barrel Monterey Modular 6-Piece Pit Sectional Sofa, $9,094
There she is boys, in all her glory. The great lady. I know you all think you know what sex with a couch is supposed to feel like, but take it from ole J.D, you have not had sex with a couch until you have had sex with the Crate&Barrel Monterey Modular sofa. At 6 pieces she’s a whole lotta lady, and the possibilities are endless. With such fine material and craftsmanship you’ll have years to explore her every which way, but for my money nothing beats a belly down, center fold, old school hump sesh pretending your mom could walk in at any second. If you can only afford to have sex with one luxury sofa this year make it this one.