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Historians Discover First House Show Still Hasn’t Started

RICHMOND, Va. — Researchers and social archaeologists at Virginia Commonwealth University discovered last week that the first-ever house show scheduled still has yet to begin, according to their most recent study.

“It’s absolutely unbelievable,” said Emma Rodriguez, an anthropologist at the University. “It’s been over 40 years, and every single band is still waiting for someone else to bring the PA. And don’t forget, this show was scheduled for long before people could just text each other to ask to borrow some gear. We’ve always hypothesized that punk time runs on a geological scale, but we’ve never seen it confirmed like this.”

The first house show, initially scheduled for March 25th, 1978, was slated to include three local bands: the Moms, Salt Dogs, and Napalm Death, who has no relation to the current band as the house show would mark their first and only show, which still has yet to begin.

“We’ve been waiting nearly half a century, but there’s still no real sign that it’s gonna start anytime soon. I think, assuming the venue is still even up and running, it’s just a matter of time,” said now 54-year-old Debbie Delgado. “I’m pretty sure my friend who plays bass in Salt Dogs has died, though — he hasn’t answered my phone calls about what time they’re supposed to go on since 1996 — but I’ll guess I’ll find out when I get there.”

The effects of the yet-to-start show are still felt today, according to Sarah Bergin, a nurse at the Sliding Scale Acres retirement home in Pensacola, Fla.

“I was surprised when all of these researchers showed up on our doorstep,” said Bergin. “I guess it makes sense — so many of our aging patients just keep saying ‘sound system’ over and over again, and several attempted to pay for their stay here with a donation of a non-perishable food item.”

At press time, Bergin admitted she’d never considered where the name “Sliding Scale Acres Retirement Home” came from, but noted it did explain why the facility used to be a residential building, as well as why so many patients asked if she “wants another beer from the van.”

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